My Favorite Quotes



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Jerri Blank

"Hello, I'm Jerri Blank and I'm a 46-year-old high school freshman. For 32 years I was a teenage runaway. I was a boozer, a user, and a loser. My friends were dealers, cons, and 18 karat pimps. But now I'm out of jail, picking up my life exactly where I left off. I'm back in high school, living at home, and discovering all sorts of things about my body. I'm finding out that though the faces have changed, the hassles are just the same."

"I got something to say!" -- from "Let Freedom Ring"

"I got something to say. I got something to saaaaaaay!!!" -- from "Who Wants Cake?"

"I got something to say. I've got something to say." -- from "To Be Young, Gifted, and Blank"

"You know, I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. And then I laughed...really hard." -- from "Dreams on the Rocks"

"You're just a rack of bones covered in a thin layer of fag." -- to Derrick, from "Blank Relay"

"Pee on me." -- to Tammi Littlenut at the Horizon Motel, from "A Burden's Burden"

"And as for that little redheaded spitfire, Tammi Littlenut. Well, let's just say the carpet matches the drapes." -- speaking about Tammi's pelt, from "A Burden's Burden"

"For crying out loud, will you shut that thing up!?" -- to Tammi in "A Burden's Burden"


Trish: "Can I get some water? I'm a little dry."
Jerri: "I'm plenty wet."

-- from "The Trip Back"

"I'm not adopted and I'm not an Indian. It's just a coincidence that I have a love of gambling and booze and a knack for catching syphilis." -- from "Trail of Tears"

"I hope you're all happy, keeping Alan off the team. Couldn't you, for once, open your minds and hearts and hear something that he couldn't see? I, for one, am glad that Alan is blind, so he can't see what, I am so sad to say, you can't hear." -- defending Alan to the football team, from "Behind Blank Eyes"

"Orlando, you can't be a pilgrim. The pilgrims had snowy white skin to match their pure Christian souls. They didn't sacrifice coconuts to their monkey gods." -- from "Trail of Tears"

"I got a better idea, Lezzy. When the lunch bell rings, why don't you eat me?" -- to Lizzy Abrams, from "Feather in the Storm"

"I'm gonna get laid!" -- on the bus to Good Time Island, from "Who Wants Cake?"

 "I like the pole and the hole," ... and ... "right now I'm as moist as a snack cake down there." -- to Paul Cotton, from "Let Freedom Ring"

"I'm gonna work at the artificial flower plant plant." -- from "Yes, You Can't"

"Faggot." -- to Mr. Jellineck, from "The Trip Back"

"Befriending new people can lead to having sex with your children, accidentally." -- from "Bogie Nights"

"She's going through menopause. . . with a hint of epilepsy. She's diabetic." -- making excuses for Sara's drunken behavior, from "Dreams On the Rocks"

"Poor Southerners are hi-LAR-ious." -- responding to Sara's comment about a hillbilly's rifle, from "Ask Jerri"

"Hmmm, that's funny. Why does your finger smell like his ass?" -- to Derrick and P.John, from "Let Freedom Ring"

"I do like black people. It just took a white one to prove it to me." -- from "Let Freedom Ring"

Coach Cherri Wolf: "Next up, Jerri Blank"
Susie: "Give me a V, I, C, T, O, R, Y"
Jerri: "V, I, C, T, O, R, Y"
Susie: "What's it spell?"
Jerri: "Win!!!"
Coach Wolf: "Jerri, uh, what does V-I-C-T-O-R-Y spell?"
Jerri: "Fandango? Hobocamp? Ho-hobocamp."

-- from "The Blank Page"

"I'm dealing with this the same way I dealt with my own alcoholism and drug addiction... with lies and delusion." -- from "Dreams On the Rocks"


"My ass#@!*'s hungry, baby." -- to Jellineck in his jail cell, from "The Trip Back"

"I hate to burst your bubble there, Tam, but that's not Blackman. That's just the chink with some spic food I ordered, hoping we'd have something to celebrate. But I guess that's not in the cards. Look, when Blackman gets here I'll tell him the whole truth. I'm so sorry, Tammala." -- to Tammi Littlenut, from "A Burden's Burden"

"Ya pussy." -- to Derrick

"A lot went down in school today. God, I'm really in a k-hole." -- to her father, from "Who Wants Cake?"

"How many of you wanna wake up in a public bathroom, lying in a pool of what you HOPE is your own filth?" -- to an auditorium filled with Flatpoint students, in "Jerri is Only Skin Deep"

"No, no, never!  I traded you for a guitar. And all these years I've wondered, 'What happened to that guitar?'" -- in response to Ricky's question "You just gave me away?", in "Bogie Nights"

"That's a nice little humidor you've got there" -- to Trish after she pulled a joint from her gym shorts, from "The Trip Back"

"What are you writing? G-spot! Gonads! Gooks! Good times! Goodbye!?" -- Jerri, trying to guess what Paul Cotton is writing on her bedroom door with the can of spraypaint he found in her backpack, from "Let Freedom Ring"

"It makes me as damp as a cellar down there. All mildewy. Enter if you dare." -- responding to Alan telling her that he wanted to join the football team, from "Behind Blank Eyes"

"Pizza, pizza, pizza" -- from "The Virgin Jerri"

"How's it going, Susie? Nice camel toe." -- from "Let Freedom Ring"

"Don't worry, Alan, I can't get pregnant. My ovaries are diseased." -- to Alan, from "Behind Blank Eyes"

"Buddah Stalin is chronic." -- from "Is Freedom Free?"

"Wow. Must be nice to hope for the thing you wish to want... Sure beats doing it." -- in response to Mr. Jellineck's determination to become an artist, from "Yes You Can't"

Troy: "Hey Jerri, eat this."
Jerri: "What is it?"
Troy: "It's a scab."
Jerri: "Again!?!"

-- from "Blank Stare, Part I"

"I've changed. People change. Changes…  I'm not the same Jerri Blank who informed on those blind orphans. I'm not the same Jerri Blank who revealed the hiding place of those Guatemalans… such as yourself. And I'm not the same Jerri Blank who took a crap in the Fleishmann's holly bushes… last night." -- explaining why she doesn't want to finger Kimberly Timbers for being a retard, from "Who Wants Cake?"

"Oh, the skin, it's so cold and scaly. The veins are like earthworms battling for attention. The claws are...  Oh, that's my hand. It's just a little dry." -- after Mr. Jellineck forces her to stick her hand in her father's casket to feel his dead flesh, from "The Goodbye Guy"

"Greeks are just Jews without money." -- to Orlando after he says that the Faganocouloses are good people, from "A Price Too High For Riches"

"Maybe it's time to stop not doing what you pretended you can do and can't, and start doing the thing that you can't do, but can no longer pretend that you can." -- trying to inspire Glen, the busdriver who doesn't know how to drive, to get behind the wheel again, from "The Blank Page"

"Is that how they say 'Hi' in Whoreville?" -- to Tammi Littlenut, from "A Burden's Burden"

Jerri: "Why did you spread those vicious lies?"
Drake Rogers: "'Cause you didn't spread those vicious thighs."

-- from "The Virgin Jerri"

Dr. Zorders: "Jerri, you're not hearing what I'm saying."
Jerri: "Oh, that's OK Doc, 'cause you're not saying what I'm hearing."
-- from "Jerri's Burning Issue"

"Kazza wazza whaa?" -- to Father after he says she's beautiful, from "Blank Stare", Part 1

"I remember this was this one song about a welcome table, and people liked to... sit... at... it." -- to Rebecca, from "Blank Stare", Part 1

"Is it so different to be new? And is it so strange to be different? Now, I'm not saying that new isn't bad, of course it is. But on this St. Arbor's Day week, we must realize that the new sapling grows into the mighty old oak, which we cut down to make our new ax handles which, in turn, we use to chop down our mighty old oaks." -- to the Bogie Nights assemblage in defence of Ricky, from "Bogie Nights"

"I'm not here to express myself. I'm here to say something." -- to the audience at the Tri-County Music Championship, from "To Be Young, Gifted, and Blank"

"You don't wanna beat me or screw me!?  What kind of marriage is this?  Bring a book." -- to her pretend husband Ronnie Leggett, from "To Love, Honor, and Pretend"

"Cancer. That's hi-la-rious." -- to Orlando after he tells her that his parents want him to be an oncologist, from "Yes, You Can't"

"Packing a Musket"
by Jerri Blank

When you work from your home
and johns call on the phone
you're a call girl.
When you walk til you limp
and give a cut to a pimp
you're a street whore.
When they're beggin' you "please"
to get down on your knees
near their groinage
Excusa me,
but you see,
don't you touch
where they pee
without coinage
When I straddle and squat
to show you my twat. . .

-- a poem by Jerri Blank, from "Who Wants Cake?"

"I'll jerk you off while you pour beer over me." -- said to me, when I paid Jerri a visit in March of 2000. (This is a line that was cut from a second season episode. Amy signed an autograph for me with this quote)


Chuck Noblet

"My vagina is on fire. I'm trying not to scratch it, Orlando... I'm afraid it'll get infected." -- reading Jerri's note to Orlando, from "Jerri is Only Skin Deep

Chuck: "You're new here, so let me lay it down for ya. I run a pretty tight ship around here. That's why the students call me 'the hammer'."
Orlando Pinatubo: "We don't call you that."
Chuck: "Shut up."

-- from "Bully"

"Noone makes friends with a failure. Okay? Understand?" -- from "Old Habits, New Beginnings"

"All right, anyone who doesn't not want to avoid passing the midterm exam, raise your hand now. Okay. Those of you who raised your hands will fail, as you requested." -- confusing his class, from "The Blank Page"

"You can't unfry things, Jerri. You can't be something you're not." -- from "Feather in the Storm"

"Leviticus, Chapter 20: 'And if a man lies down with another man, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death.'" -- at the dinner table with wife Claire, Geoffrey, and Cherri; from "To Love, Honor, and Pretend"


Geoffrey Jellineck

"If wishes and buts were clusters of nuts we'd all have a bowl of granola." -- to Jerri in "Bogie Nights"

"Most gay people are retarded." -- from "Who Wants Cake?"

"Some have called me a coward, but others have called me a pussy. -- from "Bully"

"Listen, girls. Violence never solves anything except conflicts. I know, I'm a pacifist. I pass a fist. Get it?" -- from "Bully"

"Make a pass at her. She'd have to be retarded to turn you down." -- advising Jerri on how to determine if Kimberly is retarded, from "Who Wants Cake?"

"God damn it!!!  You're picking at my brain like a jackal!!!" -- to Cherri after she calls him Mr. Clumsy-bones, from "To Love, Honor, and Pretend"

"My whole teaching career is a farce, wrapped in a masquerade, smothered in a facade frosting." -- to Jerri, from "Yes You Can't")

Jellineck: "I was a complete zero, Jerri."
Jerri: "And now?"
Jellineck: "Well, now you could multiply that zero by hundreds."
Jerri: "Wow! That must be a lot." -- from "Yes You Can't"


Sara Blank

"Well, if Jerri has a gift she certainly hasn't unwrapped it." -- to Noblet after he tells her that her stepdaughter is gifted, from "To Be Young, Gifted, and Blank"

"I'm her Stepmother. Since you're so popular, I wouldn't want you thinking that she slithered out of my womb." -- to Fran, from "The Last Temptation of Blank"

"Hoo hoo! Chuck. You know what that rhymes with..." -- from "Dreams On the Rocks"

"This has nothing to do with you Alan. We just need to talk about you someplace where you can't hear us." -- to Alan, from "Behind Blank Eyes"

"Must have been all that beef, Stew." -- in response to Stew saying that he had to take a dump, from "To Love, Honor, and Pretend"



Stew

"Which one? The real one, the dead one, or the one I'm having sex with?" -- in response to Jerri asking him if he's seen her mother, from "Invisible Love"

Stew: "Why don't you try the brisket?"
Jerri: "I don't want any brisket."

-- from "Feather in the Storm"

"I'm gonna buy some steaks. I'm thinkin' about poontang." -- response from a customer after Stew asked him if he was thinking about buying some steaks, from "Feather in the Storm"


Principal Onyx Blackman

"Talk your monkey ass off." -- to Ricky in "Bogie Nights"

"You must be about as worn out as a hooker on V.J. Day." -- to Jerri, the day after Drake Rogers told everyone that he frigged her, from "The Virgin Jerri"

"I guess we all should have seen that one coming. Except, of course, for Alan. Being blind and all..." -- to Coach Joe Liss, after blind football team member Alan is tackled, from "Behind Blank Eyes"

"You keep your hands off of my sack!" -- to Mount Valley coach Donnie Tommie, from "The Goodbye Guy"

"Dear Lord, thank you for giving this game your undivided attention. We'll try to be brief so you can return your energies to the movement of the stars and the condemnation of the Jews. Please hand us an easy victory. I'm not saying that if we lose we'll turn away. But do you really want to take that risk? And finally, just as you cured the blind, thank you for curing this team of the blind. Oh, and, uh, forgive me for that thing I did with the thing. Amen" -- leading the team prayer before the big game, from "Behind Blank Eyes"

"Educate yourself to this reality." -- dressed as Jesus Christ in the movie that he and Percy Kittens made, from "Let Freedom Ring"

"The field of glory is no place for the malformed or abnormal." -- also from "Behind Blank Eyes"

"If one of my teachers loses his face, I lose face." -- speaking out about Geoffrey Jellineck's horrific hit-and-run accident, from "Hit and Run"

 "I'm an obtuse man, so I'll try to be oblique." -- from "The Blank Page"

"Are you insane in the membrane?" -- to Stew at Pizzamania, from "Is My Daddy Crazy?"


Derrick Blank

 "I'm gonna go masturbate." -- to his parents, Blackman, and Noblet, from "Retardation: A Celebration"

"Lets go watch some gay porn so we can get our hate back." -- to his fellow Alan-hating buddies, from "Behind Blank Eyes"


Tammi Littlenut

"You'd better 86 the 69 talk, Jer." -- to Jerri - as Trudy, Tina, and Jimmy Tickles approach their table, from "The Virgin Jerri"


Miscellaneous

"There are some bad seeds in this school who are growing into weeds and infesting the healthy plants that are the good students." -- Orlando to Principal Blackman, from "The Trip Back"

"Oh, it's just a collective, cooperative, community service, operation outreach program project." -- Rebecca explaining Safe Trap to Jerri, from "Blank Stare", Part 1

"Jerri, this may be your first last best chance to have any hope for a fresh start at a new beginning for the first time again." -- Rebecca trying to convince Jerri to enter Safe Trap House, from "Blank Stare", Part 1

"It looks like two longshoremen fighting over a squirrel" -- Minister Arsenew, trying to determine the subject of Jerri's nude self-portrait, from "Is Freedom Free?"

"...and smack it, smack it, smack it. OK, I'm done" -- Coach Wolf to Trish, as she rode the mechanical bull, from "The Trip Back"

"I am so not jazzed." -- Jimmy Tickles, from "Jerri's Burning Issue"

"Eterna-Spring Artificial Flowers: You'll be dead before they are." -- The Career Wizard, promoting a career at the artificial flower plant to Flatpoint students aboard his Career Wagon, from "Yes You Can't"

"Remember, never believe that you are a failure...you are a failure...you are a failure" -- The "How To Be An Artist" recording, after the record player's needle gets stuck while Jellineck is listening to it and then "...you are a fruit...fruit...fruit" -- after Jellineck hits the record player, from "Yes You Can't"

"Just because your dad was killed in some freak accident nobody can have one!? Well, I'll tell you something. My daddy's alive and yours is dead and ain't nothing gonna change that!" -- Cassie Pines, Student Counselor, to Jerri, from "The Goodbye Guy"

"Dreams are a great thing, but y'know something, they take a lot of energy. But that's O.K.   There's a job waiting for you down the block from your house that doesn't require a thought in your head or a hope in your heart. So come on down and work for the artificial flower factory. Why fight it? Okay? Thank you." -- "Doctor" Iris Puffybush, giving a less-than-impassioned speech about the benefits of settling for a career at the Eterna-Spring Artificial Flower factory, from "Yes You Can't"

Even though she's very hungry...
she eats just like a bird...
By a bird I mean one of the small ones.
Not like a pelican who eats a lot.
Fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat.

-- song playing in the background, from "Feather in the Storm"

"All they hear is 'who wants cake?'. They all want cake." -- Wilford Brimley, narrating 'Retardation a Celebration', from "Retardation, A Celebration" and "Who Wants Cake?".


Quotes About the Show or About Jerri

Michele Greppi of  NYPOST.COM:
"Jerri looks like a distant relative of Swoosie Kurtz in Tammy Faye Bakker makeup and clothes that were tossed out by the Goodwill thrift shop."

Ana Marie Cox of  FEEDMAG.COM
"In buck teeth and a bad haircut, clothed in fringed jeans and a vest, Jerri returns to high school even more of an outcast than when she left; just as eager as she ever was to fit in and just as clueless as to why she doesn't. (Inviting her class to a party, she tempts them with this singular cry: 'There's going to be hot fruit!')"

"Like MTV's abrasive auteur Tom Green, Sedaris mines for comedy that point where all of our social skills fail us, that moment when we are confronted with a situation so aggressively amoral, bizarre, or maybe just plain gross that we have no idea what to do."

Joyce Millman of  SALON.COM:
"Comedy Central's first live-action original non-skit series, "Strangers With Candy" is one of the most inventively bizarre shows in a long time (right up there with HBO's recent trial run of the mock-rock duo sitcom "Tenacious D"). "Strangers With Candy" manages to sustain the "Afterschool Special" joke with its smudged, '70s neo-realistic look, generic pseudo-pop background music and Jerri's throwback wardrobe, which is so hideous I suspect it came from somebody's actual closet, not a Hollywood costume shop."

"Jerri Blank is an inspired creation, both childlike and haggard, and although Sedaris puts her face through buck-toothed contortions to play her and wears some of the most unflattering eye makeup this side of a "Phyllis" rerun, her all-too-human failings are oddly endearing. When Jerri seeks solace from the mean kids at school and her bitchy stepmother (Deborah Rush) and bratty, more popular half-brother (Larc Spies) at home by throwing herself across her bed and talking to the ashes of her late mother, she's every confused, lonely, misfit teenage girl on TV -- you can almost overlook the matronly curlers and cold cream."