by Daniel Silverman Fade In: Jellineck and Noblet stop suddenly when they see Jerri, but it is too late; they have noticed each other. Jerri: Jellineck: Jerri: Jellineck: Jerri nods dismissively, and begins to hurriedly push her cart away. She stops (and winces) as Jellineck continues. Jellineck: Noblet (with irritation): Noblet quickly snatches two horseradish roots of his own, and tosses them into their basket, which is now revealed to contain more or less identical contents to Jerri’s. Jellineck (hurriedly): Jellineck and Noblet scurry off. Jerri reaches back in to her cart, pulls out the root, and continues caressing it against her face, moaning. The opening credits role. Act One Noblet: Jerri (jerks awake from dozing): Noblet: Jerri again perks up, and mouths the word “pizza.” The bell rings. Jerri picks up and walks out of class. Noblet (indicating on a wall map): Jerri (under her
breath): Noblet: Orlando catches up with Jerri, now walking into the hall, looking exhausted. Orlando: Jerri (dazed): Jerri reaches down the front of her pants and slowly pulls out the long root, which is now covered in a slimy substance. Orlando: Jerri: Orlando: Jerri: Orlando, rips the root out of Jerri’s hands. Jerri: Orlando: Jerri (horrified): Jerri grabs a hold of Orlando’s head and turns it to the side. She squints as she inspects his profile. Orlando: In disgust and frustration, Orlando breaks the horseradish root over his knee. Jerri (crying): Orlando:
Jerri: Orlando: Jerri (
meekly): Orlando storms off. Jerri walks down the hall. Derrick and his friends, including Devin Hightower, walk up to Jerri. Derrick (
showing brown ink-stained fingers to Jerri): Jerri: Derrick: Jerri sneaks into the boys bathroom. She goes into one of the stalls and sees her phone number mostly smudged away. She shakes her head in disapproval, takes out a brown marker, and begins to rewrite it clearly. We hear the door open, and footsteps approach Jerri’s stall. There is a knock, and Jerri looks down to see a boy’s feet on the other side of the door. Jerri (musically): She quickly checks her hair and make-up in the reflection provided by the metal casing of the toilet paper dispenser, strikes a seductive pose by raising her arm and leaning it against the wall of the stall. She slowly opens the door. Jerri
(seductively): We see Devin standing there. Jerri (dismissively): Devin: Jerri looks panicked and shocked. Serious music swells, and we fade out. Act Two Jerri asks if Devin has a butt-buddy, someone to stir the fudge with, and he confesses he likes someone but is afraid to tell him. He asks Jerri for advice, since she’s a known lesbian. She riffs about fisting, felching, golden showers and especially rimjobs, and reluctantly arranges to meet him in her room that night to give him a whole lesson on gay sex, provided he puts out for her. Although he protests that he’s gay and can’t perform, she promises that he just needs to sit back and enjoy the ride. As she leaves the boys’ room she bumps into Tammi Littlenut and Jimmy Tickles. They are very excited about the Beleaguered Minority Festival, and especially the $50 prize that goes to the most beleaguered minority. Jerri now gets excited about the festival, because she needs 50 bucks to get that Bunsen burner she’s had her eye on, although Jimmy thinks that she just wants it to do some extra credit for chemistry class. That night Devin knocks on her bedroom door. She opens the door (again, seductively) in a jockey outfit with a whistle and riding crop, and keeps Devin up in her room all night with a disco ball going etc., going over old stunts she performed with Ramon (montage). The next day in school, Devin meets her, at the same stall in the boys’ room, and says that her rimjob idea hit the mark, that he seduced his friend. That afternoon at home an exhausted Jerri fights with Derrick in the usual manner, and calls him a “buttmunch.” Upon hearing this he runs into his room and slams the door. Later, Sara asks Jerri what in the world she said to get Derrick that got him so upset—he won’t come out of his room. Jerri realizes that Derrick is actually the one that Devin was after! Serious music swells, and we fade out. Act Three Meanwhile, the students are getting ready for the Beleaguered Minority Festival, and Jerri hits on the idea, inspired by recent events, of going as a homosexual man, since gay men are so beleaguered. She seeks confirmation of this idea by having a heart-to-heart with Mr. Jellineck. Dressed up with an open 70’s style disco shirt revealing fake chest hair, and sporting fake Village People-style muttonchops, Jerri wins the context for the most beleaguered minority (Orlando runs up to congratulate her dressed as a Hasid, complete with sidelocks; Jellineck and Noblet are in blackface), but Derrick interrupts the ceremony, telling Principal Blackman (who is wearing a Vietnamese peasant hat) that Jerri really is a homosexual, and so must be disqualified, since students are not allowed to portray their own minority group for the festival. Jerri is branded a homosexual by Blackman in front of the whole student body, and is shamed and ridiculed by teachers and students alike, as they scream “Jerri’s a homosexual!!” and she is unceremoniously stripped of her award, due, of course, to her deliberately trying to deceive the judges (and supposedly not for her homosexuality per se). For revenge, she is about to out Derrick to everyone, when Derrick saves her (and himself) by confessing to everyone that he was lying, that he only said she was gay because he hates Jerri’s guts so much, and that calling someone a homosexual is the worst insult imaginable. Blackman is moved by Derrick’s speech, and is convinced by his logic and reasoning. Derrick continues that actually, Devin is Jerri’s boyfriend, and she is heterosexual after all. Devin reluctantly acknowledges the supposed truth of Derrick’s words, the award is re-instated, and everyone is happy. Closing That evening, as Jerri is freebasing in her room with her new Bunsen burner, she reflects on the valuable lesson she’s learned about how it’s always best to keep your sexual identity to yourself.
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