|Jerri Blank in "________ (Fill in the Blank)"|
Close up: Jerri
Blank is sniffing and gently licking a long hairy tubular object. She moans. As the
camera pulls back, we see she is in the produce section of a supermarket, and the
object is actually a horseradish root. She is snapped out of her bliss when she hears
familiar voices coming her way. She looks up and sees Chuck Noblet and Geoffrey
Jellineck turning into the produce aisle, pushing a shopping cart together. Looking
panicked, Jerri quickly hurls the horseradish into her own cart, which we now see is
filled with cucumbers, carrots, sausage links, cooking oil, and Vaseline. She begins
to turn and rush away.
Jellineck and Noblet stop suddenly when they see Jerri, but
it is too
late; they have noticed each other.
Oh, hi Mr. Jellineck, Mr. Noblet.
Boy, it’s pretty strange seeing your school teachers doing their shopping in the
super…market…together…at 2 in the morning...
Hi Jerri! What in good-
goobers are you doing here!!??
Oh, um, well, Orlando asked me to pick up
a few things for him for his Beleaguered Minority Festival project. I don’t know,
some Filipino holiday about…Saudi Arabia or something, I didn’t quite get it. Anyway,
how could Filipinos be a beleaguered minority? I mean, there are over a
billion of ’em in China!
Wow Jerri! Looks like someone’s been acing
Mr. Noblet’s geography tests this term!!
Jerri nods dismissively, and begins to
hurriedly push her cart away. She stops (and winces) as Jellineck continues.
The Beleaguered Minority Festival is gonna be really special this
year. Principal Blackman tells me he’s ordered up some actual Shining Path members to
swing by! Right Chuck?
Noblet (with irritation):
Geoffrey, we’re already late!
Noblet quickly snatches two horseradish roots of his own, and tosses
them into their basket, which is now revealed to contain more or less identical
contents to Jerri’s.
Jellineck and Noblet
scurry off. Jerri reaches back in to her cart, pulls out the root, and continues
caressing it against her face, moaning.
The opening credits role.
So who can tell me the one big mistake that Sacco and Vanzetti made?
Jerri (jerks awake from dozing):
Oh, well, ya see, these degos they
had a good thing going with this little gypsy number in a miniskirt who they kept in
the back room. Anyway, they didn’t know that she was triple-jointed, even though
they’d tried just about every position in the book with her. So one day they forget
to double-check the padlock they used for her cage, and--
good thinking. The answer is, they left evidence of the murders all over their pizza
Jerri again perks up, and mouths the word “pizza.”
The bell rings. Jerri
picks up and walks out of class.
Noblet (indicating on a wall map):
time we’ll sail further down the Mediterranean Sea, past Greece—
Jerri (under her
Thank the lord!
—All the way to the heathen lands of the
Middle East, and discuss two more American heroes. Leopold and Loeb were so revered
in their day that the Master of Suspense even shot a movie about them. But today,
they’re largely ignored…simply because of their beleaguered minority status.
Orlando catches up with Jerri, now walking into the hall, looking exhausted.
Hey Jerri! Did you have a chance to pick up my Horseradish root?
What? Oh, oh yeah, Orlando…Wait…here it is…
Jerri reaches down
the front of her pants and slowly pulls out the long root, which is now covered in a
Jerri, what’s that stuff on it??!
Vaseline! Jerri! How are we supposed to eat it now?!
Eat it? I got news for you Orlando, I tried for over an hour last night
to get this sucker down my throat. I figured after all my floor shows with Ramon down
in Tijuana I could handle anything, but…
Orlando, rips the root out of Jerri’s
Orlando! (She grabs for the root.) Well, I don’t understand this
holiday! What kind of Filipino holiday has to do with Saudi Arabia anyway!!
Jerri! It’s Egypt, not Saudi Arabia. It’s for a Jewish holiday.
Jerri grabs a hold of Orlando’s head and turns
it to the side. She squints as she inspects his profile.
I’m not Jewish
Jerri! If you listened in class you’d know that we can’t choose our own minority
group for the Beleaguered Minority Festival. That’s why I chose the Jewish Exodus
from Egypt! This is for the Passover holiday!
In disgust and frustration, Orlando
breaks the horseradish root over his knee.
Forget it Jerri! I’m gonna do this project on my own. You’ll have to find your
own group to do.
Can I have the root back?
Just the bigger half?
Orlando storms off. Jerri walks down the hall.
Derrick and his friends, including Devin Hightower, walk up to Jerri.
showing brown ink-stained fingers to Jerri):
Hey Whorebreath, what the hell was
our phone number doing on the wall of the boys’ bathroom?
Derrick, you come out of the bathroom every day with brown stuff all over your
fingers. Today’s nothing special. Look queer-thing, I didn’t get much sleep last
night, if ya know what I mean. (she rubs her crotch as if it’s sore.) So why don’t
you and your little faggot back-up band make yourselves scarce and hit the road.
This stuff just better wash off! C’mon guys, I know a little place we
can go to.
Jerri sneaks into the boys bathroom. She goes into one of the stalls and
sees her phone number mostly smudged away. She shakes her head in
disapproval, takes out a brown marker, and begins to rewrite it clearly. We hear the
door open, and footsteps approach Jerri’s stall. There is a knock, and Jerri looks
down to see a boy’s feet on the other side of the door.
She quickly checks her hair and make-up in the reflection provided by the
metal casing of the toilet paper dispenser, strikes a seductive pose by raising her
arm and leaning it against the wall of the stall. She slowly opens the door.
We see Devin standing there.
it’s you. Here to lay some cable, huh? All right, just gimme a second to clear out.
No Jerri. I just want you to know that it’s very hurtful, those things
you said to Derrick out there, and about gay people… like me!!!
panicked and shocked. Serious music swells, and we fade out.
asks if Devin has a butt-buddy, someone to stir the fudge with, and he confesses he
likes someone but is afraid to tell him. He asks Jerri for advice, since she’s a
known lesbian. She riffs about fisting, felching, golden showers and especially
rimjobs, and reluctantly arranges to meet him in her room that night to give him a
whole lesson on gay sex, provided he puts out for her. Although he protests that he’s
gay and can’t perform, she promises that he just needs to sit back and enjoy the
ride. As she leaves the boys’ room she bumps into Tammi Littlenut and Jimmy Tickles.
They are very excited about the Beleaguered Minority Festival, and especially the $50
prize that goes to the most beleaguered minority. Jerri now gets excited about the
festival, because she needs 50 bucks to get that Bunsen burner she’s had her eye on,
although Jimmy thinks that she just wants it to do some extra credit for chemistry
class. That night Devin knocks on her bedroom door. She opens the door (again,
seductively) in a jockey outfit with a whistle and riding crop, and keeps Devin up in
her room all night with a disco ball going etc., going over old stunts she performed
with Ramon (montage). The next day in school, Devin meets her, at the same
stall in the boys’ room, and says that her rimjob idea hit the mark, that he seduced
his friend. That afternoon at home an exhausted Jerri fights with Derrick in the
usual manner, and calls him a “buttmunch.” Upon hearing this he runs into his room
and slams the door. Later, Sara asks Jerri what in the world she said to get Derrick
that got him so upset—he won’t come out of his room. Jerri realizes that Derrick is
actually the one that Devin was
after! Serious music swells, and we fade out.
students are getting ready for the Beleaguered Minority Festival, and Jerri hits on
the idea, inspired by recent events, of going as a homosexual man, since gay men are
so beleaguered. She seeks confirmation of this idea by having a heart-to-heart with
Mr. Jellineck. Dressed up with an open 70’s style disco shirt revealing fake chest
hair, and sporting fake Village People-style muttonchops, Jerri wins the context for
the most beleaguered minority (Orlando runs up to congratulate her dressed as a
Hasid, complete with sidelocks; Jellineck and Noblet are in blackface), but Derrick
interrupts the ceremony, telling Principal Blackman (who is wearing a Vietnamese
peasant hat) that Jerri really is a homosexual, and so must be disqualified, since
students are not allowed to portray their own minority group for the festival. Jerri
is branded a homosexual by Blackman in front of the whole student body, and is shamed
and ridiculed by teachers and students alike, as they scream “Jerri’s a homosexual!!”
and she is unceremoniously stripped of her award, due, of course, to her deliberately
trying to deceive the judges (and supposedly not for her homosexuality per se). For
revenge, she is about to out Derrick to everyone, when Derrick saves her (and
himself) by confessing to everyone that he was lying, that he only said she was gay
because he hates Jerri’s guts so much, and that calling someone a homosexual is the
worst insult imaginable. Blackman is moved by Derrick’s speech, and is convinced by
his logic and reasoning. Derrick continues that actually, Devin is Jerri’s boyfriend,
and she is heterosexual after all. Devin reluctantly acknowledges the supposed truth
of Derrick’s words, the award is re-instated, and everyone is happy.
That evening, as Jerri is freebasing in her room with her new Bunsen burner, she
reflects on the valuable lesson she’s learned about how it’s always best to keep your
sexual identity to yourself.