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Sketches & Characters


Favorite Quotes

About Exit 57

Exit 57 was a half-hour sketch comedy series produced by HBO Downtown Productions for the Comedy Central cable network in 1995 and 1996.

The sketches took place within the fictional suburban setting of Quad Cities.  The opening credits depicted the five cast members standing near their broken down car on the side of the highway. A bizarre motorist picks them up. The driver was listening to a news report on the radio about a serial killer, but he changes the station. The song "If I Knew You Were Coming I'd Have Baked a Cake" plays as he holds a camera up to snap photos of each passenger. Paul, Stephen, Jodi, Amy, and Mitch become visibly suspicious of their driver's strange behavior and they ask him to pull off the highway onto Exit 57.

The stars and creators of Exit 57 (Paul Dinello, Stephen Colbert, Amy Sedaris, Mitch Rouse) all knew each other from their days with the famed Second City comedy troupe.

During Exit 57's two-year run, the show earned five CableACE Award nominations for best writing, performing, and comedy series.


Cagney Dinello


Paul, Stephen, Jodi, Amy, Mitch



Credits
Directed by - Tim Hill (1995), Mick Napier (1996)
Written and Performed by - Cindy Caponera (1995), Stephen Colbert, Paul Dinello, Jodi Lennon, Mitch Rouse, Amy Sedaris

 

Sketches & Characters


1995 Season, Show #1
Additional Material - A. Whitney Brown, Mick Napier, David Pasquesi, The Talent Family (David Sedaris)
An idealistic office worker (Jodi Lennon) writes "Practice Random Acts of Kindness" on a piece of paper, folds it into a paper airplane, and tosses it out her office window. The plane hits a man on the street (Stephen Colbert) in the eye.

   

During a mugging reenactment in the Joliet Correctional Facility, a mugging victim named Mr. Edmonds (Mitch Rouse) is asked by a mediator, Mr. Sharps (Stephen), to recreate the incident with the perpetrator, Lenny (Paul Dinello).


Paul sings "My Wife Dumped Me for a Guy Named Jesus" after his Christ-loving lady, Rita (Amy Sedaris), leaves him for the Lord (Mitch).


   

It's January 22, 1960 in the Quad Cities Medical Center and young Margo Burwell (Jodi) is about to be committed by her husband Frank (Paul) because she's unresponsive in bed. The doctor (Stephen) seeks input from Nurse Betts (Amy), Bob Caswell (Mitch), and a secretary (Cindy Caponera).
Strangers With Candy Alert: Nurse Betts has Jerri Blank's face and voice. She also happens to mention "musky treasures" and burrowing "like a badger", references that would later be made by Coach Wolf and Mr. Jellineck respectively on SWC.


   

An office worker (Paul) plays emotional mind games by making his coworker Cindy (Jodi) think that he has feelings for her, but when she tells him that she has feelings for him too, he claims that he was just kidding.


1995 Season, Show #2
Additional Material - A. Whitney Brown, Paul Kozlowski, Mick Napier, David Pasquesi, The Talent Family
A man (Mitch) is ambushed in the park and has a forced dental cleaning, performed by a troup of dental guerrillas (Paul, Stephen, Amy, Jodi)

A teenager (Paul) just wants to go watch a baseball game, but his parents, Persephone (Amy) and Tyrone (Stephen), want to know which one of them he would save if they were drowning in a bottomless lake.


   

It's April 8, 1959 and everyone at the Quad Cities Medical Center is smoking cigarettes. A patient, Kent Tareyton (Paul), is smoking during his examination.  Dr. Winston Viceroy (Stephen), Nurse Chesterfield (Jodi), Dr. Marlboro (Mitch), and the patient's pregnant wife (Amy) are also puffing away while trying to determine what that spot on Kent's x-ray could be. While making small talk, Dr. Marlboro asks Dr. Viceroy how his weekend was. Viceroy says that he and his wife had gone up to Newport on a Lark, to which Marlboro responds, "Kool." When Marlboro looks closely at the spot on the lung he asks Nurse Chesterfield which laboratory processed the x-rays. She tells him that it was L&M Laboratories on Parliament. Marlboro reveals that the L&M technician Carlton had dropped cigarette ashes on x-rays in the past, creating similar troublesome burn spots on the images. This is a relief to Viceroy, who had been dismayed by the way that both Benson and Hedges had been running Pall Mall over the whole department. In the end, Dr. Viceroy tells Tareyton that he is okay and can return to work in the coal mine.


   

The morning after Paul (Paul) had lost a game of Monopoly to his wife Amy (Amy), the couple's friend Stephen (Stephen) starts to make trouble for them. First, Stephen goes off and tells Paul that Amy had been bragging about her victory. Then Stephen goes back and tells Amy that Paul is jealous and furious. The situation culminates with a confrontation and gunfire.

At the Quad Cities Community Center, a Community Theater director (Mitch) takes the Thanksgiving play a little too seriously and he lectures a young boy and the other actors (Paul, Stephen).

During a fierce battle, two soldiers (Stephen, Paul) complain about the "Charlies" of life.


1995 Season, Show #3
Additional Material - A. Whitney Brown, Paul Kozlowski, Mick Napier, David Pasquesi, The Talent Family

Mary (Jodi) — lover, loser, leaper — lies splattered on the sidewalk. Seth (Mitch) — talker, liar, schemer — peers down from a window above. Rusty (Paul) — sympathizer, listener, griever — arrives, sees Mary's body, looks up, sees Seth looking down, pulls a gun from his pocket, and rushes into the apartment building to avenge Mary's death. The narrator (Stephen), who refers to himself as nobody, escorts the dead Mary away, while listing a bunch of "might have beens".
 
Two office workers (Amy, Jodi) are concerned about their friend Vicky (Cindy), who they repeatedly tell that she has got to "get it together". Not only did Vicky start her day with a bottle of Jameson's whiskey, she can't even attend an upcoming party because she can't afford to buy a new outfit at Togs after having spent her paycheck at the off-track betting parlor. Also, the night before, while watching TV she'd gotten bored and decided to go out for a fudgecicle, but instead she ended up having sex for money, and spent $65 doing it. She also has to find a way to get to Varicose County to pick up the birth certificates of her 6 month-old and 9 month-old babies, if that's even where they were born, because she'll need the documentation when she tries to sell the kids to their father. The girls tell Vicky that she looks like hell, which she explains is because she'd smoked an entire brick of hash that she'd found in the ladies room. She refuses their suggestion that she call Wrongview Asylum to get some help, and then she asks them if they'll sell a gram of tick, which she cut with some baby aspirin, for $40 at the party.

 
Lenny (Paul) isn't pleased with his cellmate (Mitch), who has dirt under his fingernails. The two had been working on digging out of their cell, but they hadn't reached dirt yet, so Lenny wants to know where the dirt came from. It turns out that Lenny's pal has been helping another inmate named Earl dig an escape tunnel in another cell, which doesn't set well in Lenny's jealous mind.
 
Parapalegic locksmith Christine (Amy), whose prisoner son had run her over with her van a few years back, drags herself up five flights in an apartment building to help a customer (Jodi) get into an apartment during a snowstorm. It turns out that it's not the customer's apartment at all and she pulls a gun on Christine after she refuses to help the woman break in. Fortunately, a cop (Mitch) had seen Christine's wheelchair chained up outside and he suspected that there might be trouble inside, so he rescues the locksmith and carts away the perpetrator.
 
On a private school playground, Rudy (Mitch), Toby (Paul), and Stinky (Stephen) catch up on what they did during summer break. Their boy talk is briefly interrupted when another student (Jodi) introduces her new friend Sequoia (Amy), which leaves Rudy flustered.
 
An overzealous security guard (Mitch) won't allow Paul Pinelli (Paul) to go up to his fifth floor World Products office without proper ID, even though Pinelli has worked in the building for four years. Pinelli asks the guard to call his secretary, then he also calls up to the office on a nearby payphone and instructs the guard to allow his "guest", himself, up to the office.


1995 Season, Show #4
Additional Material - A. Whitney Brown, Mick Napier, David Pasquesi, The Talent Family
In a TV commercial parody, the Andersons (Amy, Paul, and Paul's dog Cagney) seek sweet revenge against the investment broker (Stephen) who robbed them blind by supposedly investing their money in Chilean llamas, but he actually vacationed in Aruba.

Redneck mother Bobbi Burns (Amy Sedaris) wants her dentally-challenged daughter Amber (Jodi Lennon) to help her prepare for the Quad Cities Craft Carnival, but Amber wants to run off with her girlfriend Joanie (Cindy). Bobbi tells Amber that she can't leave until she "spades"
(spays) her cat, Miss Pitty Ting. And simple-minded neighbor Charlie (Stephen) helps Bobbi with her half-assed crafts.


   

During a conversation with God, a lonely man (Mitch) wonders if he'll ever meet the right girl. Then, thinking that God has sent him a sign, he believes that the person he's meant to be with is his best friend Scott Patterson.

At the Quad Cities Times, Tom Merkin (Mitch), the weather writer, is furious that Mr. Wheeler (Stephen), his editor, keeps changing his wording.

At the Quad Cities Craft Carnival, Bobbi's (Amy) wares aren't selling and she's jealous that Joanie (Cindy) is selling coffee mugs like hotcakes. Mr. Daniels (Paul), the organizer of the event, tells Bobbi that she has to remove all items from her table that are not actually crafts (i.e. she claims that license plates are serving trays).
Strangers With Candy Alert: Bobbie tells Joanie to "read between the lines" while holding up three fingers, the way that Jerri did to her stepbrother Derrick on SWC.


   

Enthusiastic parents (Amy, Stephen, Jodi, Mitch, Paul, Cindy) get a little too zealous in the bleachers at their daughters' softball game.


1995 Season, Show #5
Additional Material - A. Whitney Brown, Mick Napier, David Pasquesi, The Talent Family
Eddie (Mitch) and his lady (Jodi) talk about their very recent experience with bad brakes on their truck. Then they try to decide what to do with their afternoon, leaving a man's body and wheelchair trapped under their vehicle.

Brief vignettes featuring three couples from different social classes: well-to-do Yuppies (Stephen, Cindy), financially struggling bourgeoisie (Paul, Amy), and poor white trash Eddie (Mitch) and his lady (Jodi).
Strangers With Candy Alert: Stephen says to Cindy, "I'm not pushing you away, I'm pulling me toward myself," a line that Geoffrey Jellineck will later use on Chuck Noblet in SWC episode 2-01, "Yes You Can't".


Bobbi (Amy) and her daughter Amber (Jodi) spend the afternoon in the park. Amber flirts with three uninterested boys while her mother annoys a Greek hotdog vendor (Paul). Joanie (Cindy) seems jealous of Amber's flirting. Charlie (Stephen) seems to have a calming effect on Bobbi, but she just wants to go home to make a set of braces with soda can pull tabs and horse glue for Amber's teeth.


   

In the wild west, a foreman named Hank (Mitch) is not pleased when he hears that one of his men (Paul) sleeps like a baby. One of the other workers (Stephen) tries to mediate. In the end, old Dominic (Amy) tucks the two workers into their bunk and reads them "The Three Bears" and "The Velveteen Rabbit".

A Philosophy professor (Stephen) at the Quad Cities Community College has a discussion, not a debate, with one of his students, young Mr. Dinello (Paul).

Eddie (Mitch) has to get ready to go to his lady's (Jodi) cousin's wedding, but he wants to stop for some jumbo shrimp first.

Mr. Sutton (Stephen) dictates a letter to his secretary Jackie (Jodi) in which he notifies her that she's fired. He claims that the decision to let her go did not come from him but from the "committee". She asks who's on this "committee" and he says that they all are. Since she's on the "committee" she decides to call a meeting. In this "meeting" between herself and Mr. Sutton, the two decide that he should be fired. He then dictates a letter to himself, telling himself that he's fired.


1995 Season, Show #6
Additional Material - A. Whitney Brown, Mick Napier, David Pasquesi, The Talent Family
At Vicky's Newsstand, a criminal (Mitch) meets two of his biggest fans, Ghjocelyn and Maquita (Amy, Jodi), after they see his "Wanted" poster. The criminal then alters the poster by drawing glasses and a mustache on the face. When a man with glasses and a mustache (Paul) walks in, Vicky (Cindy) thinks that he's the criminal.

At K&L Candies Corporate Headquarters, the legendary Rattler (Mitch Rouse) is called in to talk Aaron (Stephen) down off a ledge as the boss (Paul), his secretary (Amy), and a TV reporter (Jodi) look on.  "Wow!"


   

Two strangers with "shy bladders", Frank Schaeffer (Stephen) and Don Pratt (Mitch), try to work up the nerve to pee as they stand side-by-side at a row of urinals. Just as they make a breakthrough and the water starts flowing, another guy (Paul) walks in and breaks their stride.

At Vicky's Newsstand, Amy (Amy) wants to use the pay phone but another girl (Jodi) is already using it. When Amy asks her to end her call the girl calls her a bitch, so Amy beats the crap out of her.

A crazy roofer (Paul) tries to get his coworker, Stephen (Stephen), to help him pick up Constance (Amy), a woman who is sunbathing on the roof.


   

The morning after their parents' party, two young girls (Amy, Jodi) pick up booze bottles and pretend to be drunken party guests.

A man (Stephen) stops by the newsstand for a Nutty Good Bar and talks about the events of the previous night's blackout. He tells the clerks (Jodi, Paul) and customers (Amy, Mitch) about how he had taken out his gun, then when the lights went out there was a lot of shooting and his family was killed. Just then, the lights go out at the newsstand and the air is filled with the sound of shots being fired.
Strangers With Candy Alert: On SWC, Principal Blackman made the student body sell Nutty Good Bars to pay for their school uniforms in episode 2-09, "Blank Stare Part 2".


The preceding episode was dedicated to
Michael O'Donoghue (1940-1994)



1996 Season, Show #7
Additional Material - Cindy Caponera, Paul Kozlowski, Jeff Michalski, Mick Napier, Mark O'Donnell, The Talent Family

Fran (Amy) and Alan (Stephen) show their new baby girl to friends Bill (Paul) and Susan (Jodi), who will be the child's godparents. Insults soon fly back and forth, however, regarding the unusually large size of Fran and Alan's baby and the possible retardation of Bill and Susan's dyslexic son.
 
A woman (Amy) laments the fact that her "Damned kids are off for the summer. Can't make my honey pie."  Incestuous sexual tension crackles among her, husband Hal (Stephen), daughter Lilimae (Jodi), and son Junior (Paul). Things heat up even more when the sexy drifter (Mitch) stops in for a visit.

 
Constance (Amy) lives with her ex-boyfriend Axel (Mitch), which makes things uncomfortable when she brings her fourth date of the week, Norval (Paul), home to the apartment to watch TV. Norval's fox coat does not escape unscathed.
 
Two surgeons (Mitch, Paul) lose another patient who, like all other patients that they operate on, was a doctor at the same hospital. Dr. Ward (Stephen) tries to help, but he's in the process of losing a couple doctor/patients himself. Needless to say, their boss (Amy) isn't pleased.

 
A man (Stephen) finds a sack of money in a tree. He tries to buy a nut from a squirrel, a berry from a bush, a trout or salmon from a stream, and a song from a bird, but quickly learns that money can't buy him those things, so he puts the money back.


1996 Season, Show #8
Additional Material - Paul Kozlowski, Mick Napier

Young Randi (Jodi) seems to be accepting punishment gracefully from her parents (Paul, Amy), but she gets enraged when she realizes that her mature behavior hasn't changed their minds about grounding her. We see her again, later in the episode (after the Eddie sketch) still raving while her parents eat their dinner. She's still yelling at them (after the final sketch) as they lie in bed and try to sleep.

 
There's trouble at the salmon farm of Harrod (Paul) and his wife (Amy).  Mavis (Stephen) vows to investigate the matter, Marnie (Jodi) commiserates, and local trout baron, Captain Turreen (Mitch), gloats and tries to take advantage of the situation.

 
Eddie (Mitch) delivers water to Ruth (Amy) and the two get into some big-time flirting, while Eddie's girlfriend (Jodi) waits out in his truck.
Strangers With Candy Alert: Ruth says to Eddie, "I want a meal, not a snack," which Jerri Blank also said to one of Derrick's friends in episode 1-06, "Jerri is Only Skin Deep".

 
A man (Mitch) tries to enjoy shooting pool as his girlfriend (Amy)
watches, but an obnoxious guy (Paul) comes along and tries to
pick a fight with him.
 
A teacher (Jodi) asks her freakishly bearded student Haskell (Stephen) to operate the filmstrip projector while she goes to the teachers lounge. What the class sees is a piece of propaganda called "Cobalt: Miracle Mineral".  [Note:  Stephen Colbert also voices the filmstrip narration.]

 
A guy on the street (Paul) whispers something offensive to a woman (Jodi) and she socks him.

The preceding episode was dedicated
In Memory of John T. Forristal III (1958-1995)


1996 Season, Show #9
Additional Material - Paul Kozlowski, Mark O'Donnell, Aaron Rhodes

A surgeon (Paul) is watched by other members of the medical staff (Mitch, Stephen, Amy, Jodi). At first he seems self-conscious, but then he shows off, loses the patient, juggles organs, and blows up a portion of intestine to make a balloon animal.
 
Laura (Amy) introduces her flamboyant mother (Jodi) to her new boyfriend Phillip (Paul), who is wearing a huge plastic cone around his neck because he recently had a polyp removed from his ear, but he kept getting it infected. Before you know it, Phillip is alone with Laura's mother and she's trying to seduce him. Phillip decides that he should leave and he ends up getting killed in a car crash.  [Note:  elements from this sketch are reminiscent of the campy, 1964 Joan Crawford film, Strait-Jacket.]

 
A goth chick (Amy) summons the spirit of a former high school classmate who was murdered years before (Stephen). She just wants to ask him if he can remember the name of a song that she can't get out of her head. At first he thinks it's "Mountain Green", but then they realize that it's "Alley Cat".
 
Eddie's lady tells him about her diary and they speculate what memory of her he might carry with him if he were to be sent off to war, or to prison.
 
Two gals (Amy, Jodi) sit in a bar discussing sewing, cross-stitch, and knitting, when three muchachos, Rico (Stephen), Chavez (Mitch), and Humberto (Paul), try to seduce them.



1996 Season, Show #10
Additional Material - Joe Forristal, Paul Kozlowski, Mick Napier

A guy (Mitch) convinces his buddy (Paul) to go hit on a lovely lady (Amy), but he soon sees that she's very pregnant. She asks him if he'd like to feel her baby and he says, "All right." Then when he puts his hand on her belly she says, "No, I mean through my vagina."

 
Mr. Harris (Stephen) and his wife Terpsichore (Amy), formerly known as Persephone, host the good Reverend (Mitch) and his wife (Jodi) and they want their son (Paul) to play Scoot with them, but he wants to go out on his planned date with Kathleen Cullivitz. Of course, his parents guilt him into staying and playing.

 
A group of friends are out on a picnic and when it comes time
to do a tick check one of them (Stephen) finds a pretty big one
on his abdomen. When all attempts to remove the parasite fail
and the guy starts to get weak from the loss of blood, one guy
(Paul) comes up with the idea to hook a tube up from the tick
back into his pal's arm.
 
Charlie (Stephen), a funeral director in training, gets a visit from parapalegic locksmith Christine (Amy), who also wants to pay her respects to Mr. Smedley, the man she found dead at one of her latest jobs. Mrs. Smedley (Jodi) isn't holding up very well. Duke (Mitch) also visits and gives Christine a baggie of weed.
 
Dean Pepper (Amy) tries to get a student named Karen (Jodi) to recreate events through which Karen met one (Paul) of her numerous recent sexual partners.
 
Stephen and Paul enact a surreal piece of poetry that resembles a Calvin Klein television advertisement.



1996 Season, Show #11
Additional Material - Cindy Caponera, Paul Kozlowski, Mick Napier

A young girl (Jodi) laments the death of her father and asks her friend (Amy) why he had to die. The friend says that only Jesus knows, because Jesus knows everything. But Jesus (Mitch) appears behind them and admits that he doesn't actually know everything, and that God was responsible for the girl's father's death; however, God (Paul) appears and attributes responsibility to Fate (Stephen).
 
In the supermarket break room, Laughton (Stephen) confronts his co-worker Troy (Paul) about his irresponsible slacker ways. Laughton tries to snitch to their boss, Mr. Brabham (Mitch), about a bag of chips that Troy stole from the store, but Mr. Brabham won't hear Laughton's accusation because he is too annoyed that Laughton allowed the break room to get so messy with a discarded chips bag on the floor.
Strangers With Candy Alert: The characters of Laughton and Troy appeared in the original unaired pilot of Strangers With Candy, along with their supervisor Dr. Brabham (James Murtaugh). These characters worked at Fossilton Rehabilitation Center for the Ancient, where Jerri Blank volunteered after school. Also, at one point in the Exit 57 sketch, Laughton says to Troy, "You'd love to see me freak out, think I was a bee, and try to force myself through a keyhole, wouldn't you?"  This, as every Strangers fan knows, was the tragic fate of Jerri's classmate Poppy Downes in episode 1-01, "Old Habits, New Beginnings".

 
Jennifer (Amy) encourages her recovering alcoholic roommate Carrie (Jodi), who has been sober for a year, to loosen up for her blind date by taking a sip of a daiquiri. After Carrie throws caution to the wind and ends up having an entire pitcher of the tropical alcohol goodness, she ends up passing out and doesn't awaken when her date, Lenox (Paul), arrives and leaves with Jennifer, who has lied and told Lenox that she is Carrie.

 
A new office employee (Paul) asks his busy co-worker (Mitch) if he could check out a rash that he may have picked up from a recent sexual encounter. After having the request granted, it turns out to have been a prank devised to get the guy to stare at his "crony".
 
Two "Horse Girls" (Amy, Jodi) head to the stables after school to spend time with their favorite companions, horses.


1996 Season, Show #12
Additional Material - Paul Kozlowski, Mick Napier, The Talent Family

A unibrowed father (Mitch) challenges his sons (Paul, Stephen) to see if they can take him down. Their mother (Amy) tries to stay clear of the ruckus, but when things get out of hand she comes back with a blow gun and shoots a tranquilizer dart into her husband's neck.

 
Private Edmonds (Mitch) is being subjected to Pavlovian experiments as part of the government's Military Zombification Program. Nurse Agnes (Amy) tries to help him escape, but the sadistic doctor (Paul) who has been conducting the experiments attempts to kill her by shoving her down a flight of stairs, twice, unsuccessfully.  [Note:  Amy's portrayal of Nurse Agnes was inspired by Agnes Moorehead's performance in the 1965 camp-fest, Hush... Hush, Sweet Charlotte, which also starred Bette Davis, Olivia de Havilland, and Mary Astor.]

 
Poor Bobbi Burns (Amy) can't seem to be able to get her daughter Amber (Jodi) off the phone. She's also not very pleased to see her daughter's latest choice of reading material, a book on sexual techniques.
 
A girl (Jodi) brings her date Rod (Paul) down to her family's basement where they encounter her father, Mr. Friegel (Stephen), working on a taxidermied squirrel. The daughter goes upstairs to feed the cat and then Dad asks Rod, "Did you get any?" to which the lad responds, "No." Then Dad asks, "What's your approach?" so Rod proceeds to demonstrate his kissing technique on his date's father. Mrs. Friegel (Amy) is crouched, dressed like a squirrel, holding a huge acorn, posing for her husband, and asks, "How much longer?" The daughter returns and says, "I couldn't find the cat, so I dressed up like a scarecrow." The scene then repeats, but this time when the teens approach it sounds like the number of stairs leading to the basement has increased. Also, this time the father calls the boyfriend "Shaft", and the boyfriend calls the father Mr. Ambidextrous. Their kiss gets more passionate too. After the rest of the scene plays out, it starts all over again. The third time, the number of steps has increased further, the boyfriend is called Plugboy, the father is called Mr. Refrigerator Coolant, and the kiss is even more passionate. The sketch ends shortly after the fourth time begins with the sound of a ridiculously large number of steps down to the basement.

 
The Jones brothers (Mitch, Paul) take a stroll with their dog (Cagney Dinello) and discuss their plans for their father's inheritance. When each brother tries to credit the other for coming up with a good idea it leads to violence.


1996 Season, Miscellaneous Sketches
Additional Material - Paul Kozlowski

Young Miss Curtis (Amy) and her friend (Jodi) are interrupted by a snitch named Rufus (Mitch), who tries to wrangle an invitation to an upcoming surprise party that Miss Curtis didn't even know about. Rufus then comes to her rescue, though, when a teacher (Paul) starts to harass her, so she invites him to join her in the bathroom to do whip-its.

 
Jim (Mitch) is distraught and holds himself responsible for the death of a patient, Mrs. Putney, during surgery. But James (Stephen), a doctor, reminds Jim that he's just an orderly and that he's only in the operating room to clean up after the doctors, therefor the patient's death was not his fault.
 
A young girl (Amy) enjoys a picnic with her father (Mitch) until he squashes a tiny ladybug. Then the two are scared off by some giant creature. The local sheriff (Paul) and a woman (Amy) investigate, as does Professor Roman Harcati (Stephen), from the Department of Agriculture, accompanied by his daughter Butler (Jodi), who he describes as being "as brilliant as she is beautiful."  The Harcatis examine the tracks that leave the scene and determine that the creature is a 60-foot ladybug. During an emergency Town Hall meeting, Turreen (Mitch) offers up his services to destroy the huge harmless ladybug. He gathers a few of the townspeople and has them recite, "Ladybug, ladybug, fly away home. Your house is on fire, your children will burn."  Their chant is amplified through huge speakers with the intention of drawing the ladybug out into the open. Turreen focuses a huge magnifying glass on the innocent monstrous bug and uses sunlight to incinerate it to smithereens.





 
A young couple (Paul, Jodi) are sent by their church to get pre-marital counseling from another couple, Gina (Amy) and Marty (Stephen). It turns out that the odd couple had just been making love when their young visitors arrived, which makes the situation rather uncomfortable. Adding to the discomfort are Gina and Marty's unabashed sexual openness as well as Gina's lanugo, a condition that causes her to have excess facial and body hair.
 
An inept floor sander named Dominic (Amy) is fired by his boss (Paul), but he tries to play on the sympathies of a co-worker (Mitch) as well as his hard-hearted employer. After being rehired, Dominic proceeds to do more damage to the hardwood floor.
 
A water engineer named Russell Bits (Paul) tries to pick up Janice Hokes (Amy) in a bar, but ends up being embarrassed when his credit card is declined and the bartender (Mitch) has to call his boss, Mr. Stewartcase (Stephen), over to demand payment in cash.
[Note:  Paul Dinello played a character named Dusty Bits in the short film Wheels of Fury, and Stephen Colbert played a character named Russell Hokes in Wigfield.]
 
Colin (Stephen) and his date (Amy) had discussed taking things slowly, but he clearly wants to heat things up when he pops a homemade porn tape into his VCR.
 
In a segment that appeared right after the ladybug sketch, a smooth talker named Blaze (Stephen) is captured by the police (Mitch, Jodi). The second segment appeared after the pre-marital counseling sketch and featured two interrogators (Paul, Amy) trying to question Blaze, but being toyed with by this villainous mastermind.


Unaired Pilot






 
At the Discovery Annex, Dr. Jim Alamo (Stephen) begins the first session of his 8-week memory improvement course, the Memory Monster. He asks his students what they'd like to get out of the course and one man (Paul) states that he wants "the ability to remember."  Lorna Tormey (Jodi), a designer of carousel horses, says that "people feel special when you remember their names."  A jumpy fellow in the front row (Mitch) says that he had been hit in the face 48 times with a baseball bat and suffered major brain damage. Since he can't remember who he is, or anything else, the class decides to call him Ethan, a calligraphy-loving conquistador. By the time the secretary (Amy) enters the classroom, the students have all given up on Alamo's inept teaching methods.
 
In the Coliseum, a Roman sportscaster (Paul) interviews the latest gladiatorial victor, Spartacus (Stephen), and Agrippa (Mitch), the coach of the decapitated loser, Lucius.

 
Poor Claire (Amy) just wants to get away from her obnoxious former friend B.J. (Jodi) because she's embarrassing and vulgar. The bartender (Paul) seems to agree with Claire.
 
A teacher (Mitch) talks to her class about the Holocaust.


Promos







Favorite Quotes

  • "Poor me, poor me.  Pour me a drink." -- Amy, as one of the two little girls pretending to be drunk party guests.

  • "I named my butt after your father, because I know how much you love my butt and I know how much you love your father" -- Jodi's white trash character to Mitch's character Eddie.

  • "Amber, get over here!" -- Bobbi Burns (Amy) to her daughter Amber.

  • "I try to keep myself open to all kinds of nude experiences... new experiences." -- Amber to the Greek hotdog vendor (Paul).

  • "I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you leave." -- Eddie (Mitch) to his lady (Jodi).

  • "You're the teacher, so I'm wrong!?!" -- Community College student (Paul)
    "No, I'm the teacher and  you're wrong." -- his professor (Stephen).

  • "Don't withhold sex as a weapon. It's a hungry raccoon that turns over the trash." --
    Pre-marital counselor Marty (Stephen) to a young fiancée (Jodi).

  • Paul's song, "My Wife Dumped Me For a Guy Named Jesus"

    Hail Mary, full of grace
    Your boy kicked me in the face
    He made my wife run away
    for a big promise on Judgment Day

    My wife called me a sinner
    I guess I'll be fixing my own dinner
    Now I'm left with pain and loathing
    caused by a wolf in Messiah's clothing

    My wife dumped me for a guy named Jesus
    Now I see a cross and I fall to pieces
    It hurts to say his dad's name when someone sneezes
    My wife dumped me for a guy named Jesus

    Do you think you're such a big shot raising people from the dead?
    Or a sleight of hand with a loaf of bread?
    You're a second-rate magician with everlasting life
    whose latest trick is my disappearing wife

    I'm as good as that guy named Jesus
    I could cure a cripple with a prosthesis
    And I can walk on water when it freezes
    I'm as good as that guy named Jesus
    And Jesus better watch his back...

 

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