| Amy on "The Late Show with David Letterman"
August 31, 2007
- Amy does an impersonation of Abbey Lincoln singing "If I Only Had a Brain."
- Dave talks about how "rueful" it was when he'd stopped backstage earlier to see Amy before the show and they both seemed to have nothing to say to each other.
- Dave asks Amy what she's been up to during the summer, but she says she's been doing absolutely nothing and that she doesn't like the summer.
- Amy asks Dave if he rolls his own quarters and he replies that he does not. Then she roots through the cushions of his chairs to see if there's any loose change in them, but she comes up empty-handed.
- Dave shows a candid picture of Amy carrying cupcakes in a kitty litter box and she says that she looks like Larry "Bud" Melman in the shot.
- She said that the lady from the post office drove her to a swimming pool out in "the Rockaways." She tells Dave that swimming is great exercise and even strengthens your tongue ("Fun facts!").
- She said that instead of going on a trip she decorates her apartment according to the season. For example, for summer she decorated the place to look like the beach, replacing the hair in the bathtub drain with seaweed, putting a picture of a lighthouse on the wall, placing conch shells around the place, etc.
- Dave mentions that Amy's book has been nominated for a bunch of awards, so she mentions his recent Emmy nomination, and she also says that she heard that Dave and Paul were nominated for a GLAAD award ("Gay, gay, gay awards. Stiff competition..."). Paul says that he believes that he and Dave were nominated for Best Tongue Kiss.
- Amy talks about how much she likes Dave's next guest, Will Arnett, and then Dave mentions that he believes that Will is married ("Conflict-free diamond.").
- Amy pretends to be jealous about how much time Dave chatted with Tina Fey when she was on his show the previous week.
June 7, 2007
Amy made this appearance to promote her role in Shrek the Third.
- Amy tells Dave that he looks better in darker suits.
- She says that new sidewalks are being put in outside her apartment building, so the noise has been driving her crazy. She hints that she'd like to stay at Dave's house in Connecticut and she could take the train back and forth to the city. When she learns that Dave's son Harry gets up at around 6:00am she has second thoughts. "What if I wanted to watch Leno one night? Is that going to be a problem?"
- She asks Dave why he went to the hospital recently, and when he says that it's because his son's knee hit him in the nose, Amy says, "Violent household... That's what I'm hearing." She then tells Dave about the time that she was scraping some laminate off a piece of furniture with a 3-in-1 tool and she ended up jabbing herself in the nose. Instead of going to a doctor, though, she just put an ice pack on the wound, tied it up with a pair of panty hose, and went back to her scraping.
- She asks Dave if she can take one of his "Late Show" pencils and throw it through the fake window behind them and get the sound effect of breaking glass. Then she talks about the beige IBM pencils that her father always had around the house when she was growing up.
- She does her new Al Jarreau impression.
- Amy talks about how much fun she's had doing publicity tours with Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph, and Cheri Oteri, and she shares her opinion that dramatic actresses ("You know, the ones with Oscars.") aren't very nice.
- She asks Dave if she can stay during his segment with Ultimate Fighter Chuck Liddell. Near the end of the interview she asks if she can slap Liddell across the face.
January 15, 2007
Amy probably made this appearance as an almost last-minute favor for Dave because of another guest's cancellation.
- Amy requested that Paul Shaffer play "Girl Talk" for her entrance.
- Amy wished Dave a happy anniversary (seven years since his bypass surgery) and asked if he received a Lipitor basket.
- When asked what her plans and goals are for 2007 Amy said that she doesn't have any: "It's like living in a bikini." (whatever that means) She suggests that perhaps she could usher for Dave's audience at the Ed Sullivan Theater, or maybe she could be the person who gives him makeup touch-ups, or maybe give notes to the band.
- She said that she'd been having allergy problems and someone told her that she should vacuum her mattres. She said that when she did it sounded like she was vacuuming up shells on the beach.
- She said that she and her sister Lisa had gone to visit their brother David's homes in France and in London, before David goes to live in Japan for three months (I smell another "Me Talk Pretty" kind of a book cooking...).
- After her trip to Europe she went to Florida to relax and she stayed at the home of this woman whom she'd never met. It sounded like she was just crashing on some complete stranger's futon, but it turns out that her hostess was the sister of Amy's friend at her neighborhood Post Office. This woman never locks her doors because, as she explained, "I have a lot of angels."
- Here's a fun fact from Amy: The next time you go to a flea market, remember that you don't need to bring measuring tape because "a dollar bill is six inches long." (according to my ruler, it's six and one-eighth inches long)
- She mentioned how a few nights earlier Madonna seemed to be offended when Dave didn't know how many children she had, but Amy herself hadn't been offended when Dave thought that she had a ferret instead of a rabbit. Then she asked Dave, "How's your lizard, Harry?"
- Amy asked Dave if he brings his own lunch to work and then said that when she's working she prefers to bring her own lunch, rather than to eat food that's made in large quantities.
- Dave asked Amy about her recent appearance on Martha Stewart's show, and each time Amy referred to Martha she used the male pronouns, he and his.
- She told Dave that while she was on her book tour people often asked about her relationship with him and she told them two things: One, he once asked her to go on a trip to Mexico for ten days, and, two, he once asked her if she'd ever done heroin, right before they were about to go back on the air after a commercial break.
- She said that she doesn't like receiving gifts from people she doesn't know, such as huge paintings of these strangers, or images of people dressed up as her characters superimposed onto a huge pillow, so she brings a pair of scissors with her so she can shred the items and dispose of them in the trash at the airport.
- Amy asked if she could stay for the next segment, featuring magician Jason Randall.
October 6, 2006
Amy made this appearance to promote her new book, the entertaining guide to entertaining, I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence.
- She shared something that she learned earlier that day. "You know when women walk around and they show off their stomachs and they have, like, maybe a little roll of fat hanging over the belt? You know what you call that? Muffin tops."
- She told Dave that since her imaginary boyfriend, Ricky, was murdered two and a half years ago (from being stabbed 18 times in the chest) her apartment has been haunted by his ghost. She said that after he died she had a really difficult time because he used to take care of all the monthly bills.
- She also notified Dave that her rabbit Dusty had bad gas recently.
- When asked about her early career, she said that it all started when she got her first wig when she was three years old. She also said that later, during her professional career, whenever she'd go on an audition, instead of doing a monologue from "'night, Mother" or Shakespeare, she'd do a reading from the book, "Our Bodies, Ourselves" (she was bleeped twice while discussing this topic).
- She and Dave made a craft, "Seeing Peanuts," by using glue to attach "googly eyes" to peanuts.
- Last, but not least, they discussed Amy's book and Dave told her how much he likes it.
June 21, 2006
Amy actually had something to promote during this appearance: the Strangers With Candy movie. She also found time to do some of her facial impressions: Frances McDormand, Jennifer Aniston, Robert Blake, and Barbra Streisand. I think that the last one ("Amy, why the long face?") looks like Tori Spelling.
January 6, 2006
As Amy came out from backstage, Paul Shaffer played "A Girl Like You" by Edwyn Collins, which sounded like something you might have heard in an airport lounge back in the late 70's. During this appearance, Amy seemed to be swept away in her raging stream of consciousness even more so than usual. Here are some highlights:
- Amy mentioned that it had been a long time since her last appearance (at the end of April), which she calculated to be a year and a half. [Note: In actuality it was less than nine months. Was she just joking or is her math really bad? You decide.] She asked Dave if he'd gotten a new desk, different band members, new tie, etc., but the answer to all questions was no. "It's good to be in front of the camera again!"
- Dave asked her what she'd been up to recently and she responded, "I'm a busy woman. Women are busy people... I'm a woman and I have needs, and, uh, so I've been busy being a woman."
- Amy also let Daveand the audienceknow that her tubes are untied, then she asked what the current date was. [Note: Although this episode aired on the night of Friday, the 6th of January, it was taped on the 2nd, so when Dave tells her that it was the 6th Amy joked about how quickly time had gone by and that it felt like a Monday, which indeed it actually was.]
- Amy took a sip from a mug, "Same old Captain Morgan and egg nog. Things haven't changed."
- Amy explained that she felt a bit tired because, "I'm a Rockette, so I had to work through the holidays, and it's hard because you do four shows before twelve." She said it was extra hard this year because everyone had to stay in one hotel room because of the recent transit strike.
- She mentioned a long-term project that she worked on practically all year, but she didn't say what it was [Note: it's her book, "I Like You"]. She explained that she's not the kind of person who can think "long-term", in fact she won't even pre-set a table when she's having people over to dine, "It's scary." She feels that planning ahead robs you of the present moment and also that if you get your heart set on something that's far in the future it's more tragic if you were to die without getting what you'd planned for.
- She has a new "secret" club, but she wouldn't say anything about it. She equated the need for secrecy to that which is required when one is on jury duty.
- She told Dave that she'd been watching his show, and she rattled off the names of some recent guests: Ellen Degeneres, Oprah Winfrey, Ted Koppel ("Huge crush on him. Always."). She said that what she liked about their appearances is that they all have so much in common with Dave, such as their respective TV shows. This caused her to wonder what she and Dave have in common that they could talk about, besides Harry (Dave's little son). He responded that they have golf, joie de vivre, and the fact that he is attracted to her on many levels (Amy: "That's where we differ.")
- Amy asked Dave how he knows who is going to be on his upcoming shows, "Do you Google yourself at night?" She also asked if he gets tired of people using his show to promote things like movies or other projects.
- Amy to Dave: "You need to promote more because sometimes I don't even know that your show is still on."
- She mentioned that the last time Jennifer Aniston was on Dave's show he had invited her to his house: "She wouldn't talk to you on the show, so what makes you think she's gonna talk to you in your house?" Dave explained that the situation could be traced back to high school, when he could never have asked someone of Aniston's caliber to his home, but now that he has his "little Mickey Mouse dog and pony show" and she had come to his show to promote her movie, he finally had the opportunity to do something like that, knowing that she probably wouldn't actually accept the invitation. He then asked Amy if he had ever invited her to his house and she "reminded" him that he asked her "to Mexico once."
- Amy went back to trying to find something that she and Dave might have in common: "Do you know anything about toadstools, or weed, or... What else do I know a lot about? I'm pretty limited. Clinically simple."
- She mentioned that both she and Dave are Aries, so Dave wanted to know some characteristics of people who share that Zodiac sign. "We hold all our tension here [gestures to her face], you know." "My New Years resolution is to breathe more, and yours should be also." "We're a fire sign. It just means we're alive. On fire. Aaaaaaah!" "I don't know if we're terribly ambitious." "I'm not too ambitious. I mean, in my own way. With, like, pipe cleaners and stuff, but I'm not ambitious."
- Although she doesn't usually come on Dave's show to promote anything, she did want to tell the audience that she has a new "bite-sized blue-ball cheese ball... with cheeses, and butters, and nuts, and such", but she wanted to know what extra little gift she should package along with it. She mentioned, for example, how in the past a lot of companies would give little gifts that on some superficial level might be connected to the product itself: "Syrup would come with tape, because they're both sticky, or a glass with detergent. I want something to come with my bite-sized blue balls. Any suggestions?" [Note: This is when Amy herself suggested teabags, but CBS censored the word! I guess you can't say the word "teabag" in conjunction with "bite-sized blue balls" on network television, even after midnight.] "One time I remember my dad buying a bag of dog food and it came with a pair of knee-highs. What is that connection? I'm serious."
- At this point they were running out of time and Dave was trying to wrap up the segment, but Amy teased Dave by asking a few last questions to prolong the interview: "Does the sun make noise? Do you tip a cobbler? I've so many questions I could ask you. When am I going to see you again?" He reminds her that they were talking about taking a trip to Mexico, but she says, "I would need to know in advance, I guess, and that's long-term, and I'm not good with that stuff, but, you know, you've got my number..."
April 27, 2005
Once again, Paul Shaffer played Bow Wow Wow's "I Want Candy" as Amy emerged from backstage. This time she and Dave discussed the following:
- The latest Mary Adams creation that Amy was wearing was made specifically for the party that Matthew Broderick threw at the Plaza recently for his wife Sarah Jessica Parker's 40th birthday (Amy claims it was SJP's 50th). Backstage, right before coming out on stage, Amy learned that she was recently featured, wearing this particular dress, in Us Weekly's "When Bad Clothes Happen to Good People" fashion police section.
- Amy showed off the latest pair of shoes that she acquired using the check she received for her last Letterman appearance.
- Amy shared a clip, not of the Strangers With Candy movie, but of Paris Hilton's recent visit to the Late Show during which the young heiress threw a small bag on the floor. Amy reminds Paris and the rest of us to "give a hoot..." (don't pollute).
- Of course, Dave asks how Amy's rabbit, Dusty, is doing. Amy responded that for Valentine's Day she put on fake fingernails and gave Dusty an ultimate massage... "full release."
- She said that she was preparing to celebrate Greek Easter next week. Greek Easter usually comes later than regular Easter and Amy said that her mother used to claim that was because the Greeks wanted to be able to get all of their Easter items on sale.
- Amy asked Dave if he ever has to drive the babysitter home. She suspects that this would be a very awkward situation, but Dave said that they don't use a babysitter because they have a live-in nanny.
- Dave asked about the new hostess book that Amy is working on for Warner Books. She said that in addition to containing cooking tips and recipes she'll also provide entertaining suggestions depending on a wide range of different situations and scenarios, such as a rich uncle's visit (Do you want to appear affluent or in need?), grieving, and, of course, Greek Easter (share info about and pictures of the Acropolis, perhaps).
- Before her time ran out, Amy let Dave know that she recently got the folks at the Gourmet Garage (where she sells her cheese balls) to start selling Dave's Explod-O-Pop Popcorn, so she thought that it was only fairconsidering how much she's done for himthat he put in a good word for her at Rupert's so she could sell her cheese balls there too. He told her that it was a done deal.
January 14, 2005
Before having her come out, Dave accidentally coined a new adjective to describe Amy by saying about her: "Here's a girl, pound for pound, there's not a human being alive more enterjoyable..." It's like a combination of entertaining and enjoyable.
Paul Shaffer played the chorus of the Bow Wow Wow classic, "I Want Candy", when Amy emerged from backstage. I think that the original purpose of this appearance was for her to promote her returning gig hosting the TRIO network's "Film Fanatic" series, but she and Dave got so caught up talking about so many other things (like the premiere of Strangers With Candy at Sundance on the 24th) that the show was never mentioned.
They also discussed:
- Dave's illness, that he got from not having had a flu shot.
- The frilly dress that she was wearing, which was made the night before by her nine-and-a-half-fingered friend, Mary Adams. Amy suggested to Paul that he play a Can-Can throughout the interview on cue so she could kick up her legs.
- She explained that the reason she may have looked as radiant as Dave said she did was because when she went to her dermatologist, Dr. Colbert (pronounced COAL-bert, not coal-BARE, as in Stephen Colbert), to "have a freckle enlarged" he suggested that she get the dead skin cells vacuumed off her face. She asked the doctor if she could take the bag of vacuumed skin home, but he told her it was not allowed.
- When Dave inquired about her rabbit Dusty she responded that she recently did something for MTV in which she went to an elementary school in New York's East Side and ended up teaching the children about rabbit care. I suspect that she was referring to her appearance on "Wonder Showzen."
- She told Dave that she recently saw a picture of him and his young son Harry "in OUT magazine" and that althought she usually believes that all babies look like actor Ed Harris she thinks that Harry is beautiful. She also said that Dave's girlfriend must be gorgeous to have made a baby like that.
- We then learned of a tragedy in Amy's life. She was in grieving for her long-term imaginary boyfriend Ricky. It turns out that one night she and Ricky were making love in the bathtub (coincidentally right after having watched Dave's show, with guest Richard Gere) and she found a cyst on "one of his obliques", so she rushed him to St. Vincent's hospital, but the growth turned out to be benign; however, Ricky ended up being murdered in the cab ride back home. But she's not allowed to discuss details of the case, so she had to drop the heart-breaking subject. She then said that she was currently going through the seven steps of grieving: alcohol, drugs, anonymous sex... So she's back in the dating pool. With all of the recent Brad & Jen (Pitt and Aniston, respectively) news, she said that she wasn't surprised that Dave hadn't heard the news of her personal loss. It's possible that Amy's fake boyfriend faked his death, though, because people have supposedly reported to her that they've seen him at parties or on the street.
- She said that she gets recognized on the street a lot now ever since that 4:00am show she'd done for Dave eight months earlier on which she'd given Letterman's viewers a tour of her West Village neighborhood. Dave asked if the neighborhood has changes since then and Amy said that Lilac Chocolates was moving a few blocks away (to Hudson and Jane) and was being replaced by a new lesbian bar called "Lickety Splits" (a name that she made up, of course), which would be a big, fat, fattie, fat, fat lesbian bar (with a five-drink minimum).
- Dave brought up the Sundance Film Festival and when he mentioned that he'd never been and would like to go Amy said, "Well, maybe we should get tickets for two..." She also felt that all of the schmoozing would be difficult for her, especially during her grieving period.
- Dave asked about her cheeseball business and she said that she's been selling some at her neighborhood Gourmet Garage. When asked to describe these delicacies, she said that they are made with "cream cheese, smoked gouda, butter, Steak A-1 Sauce, which is vegetarian, a little milk from Pathway, and then you form a ball, you roll it in crushed nuts, and you spread it on a Ritz. And they're big, bigger than a tumor..." She's sold four so far. In the future Gourmet Garage's kitchen would be making the cheeseballs using her recipe because she didn't think that the ones that she made herself were very presentable.
October 22, 2004
Amy and Dave discussed the following:
- Amy wondered if the top that she was wearing, from Built by Wendy, was too "country kitchen". She also said that her good friend Sarah Jessica (Parker) told her what skirt to wear with the top, which Amy didn't think would fit her, so Amy wore it up to her waist, but Sarah J. said that was wrong because it was supposed to be worn around the hips, "Bitch!"
- Amy asked Dave if he'd read his other guest Tommy Lee's new tell-all book, which she described as filthy, "It is the dirtiest book I have ever read in my entire life. I read it twice."
- She commented on Dave's tie and asked him if he ever wears the same tie twice on his show. He joked that he wears a tie once and then throws it away, but also said that he has about a dozen ties.
- Dave brought up the dental surgery that Amy endured a few months earlier, which she called "an apigoectomy, or something." She had been prescribed Vicodin, but she said that they're more fun when you don't need them. Her "crafty" ways led her to discover that Vicodin fit in PEZ dispensers perfectly.
- When Dave asked about her rabbit Dusty, she said that she'd just attended a rabbit conference the Friday before and she said that the kind of guys that attend these conferences look like they'd be "easily hurt", they remind her of John Davidson, and they always have bunny rescue stories. Then she said that Dusty's breed, the mini rex, is coveted in the fur industry ("I wear leather and eat meatballs and stuff like that, but, you know, it just breaks my heart, but I was thinking for a children's book... maybe it opens with a rabbit getting skinned alive and tossed into a heap with other rabbits, but it survives, and then it spends the rest of the book going on a journey to find the woman who took her coat. Hilarity ensues. It's just something I'm thinking about.")
- She wanted to know if Dave would get a pumpkin for his little son Harry and carve it for him. She said that she already had her pumpkin, but she'd wait to carve it until Halloween.
- The inevitable subject of imaginary boyfriend Ricky came up. Amy said that she'd actually been interviewed for Psychology Today or Utne Reader about Ricky. She told Dave that Ricky lost all of his tools in fire (he's a grip on a film crew in Argentina), so he'd be joining her for the holidays a little sooner than planned. Then she teased Dave about a comment he'd made earlier about her not being "hooked up right". They also discussed Hercules, the baby that she'd had with Ricky. She said that their nanny had put Hercules down in the park and an owl swooped down and carried the baby off, but the situation seemed suspicious because the nanny suddenly had a brand new entertainment system.
- Dave asked if Amy had seen any of the children backstage who were dressed up in gag Halloween costumes and she said that she'd seen one whom she was going to tell that she reminded her of Courtney Love, which is exactly who the girl was supposed to be.
- In her occasional stream-of-consciousness manner, Amy mentioned that she got the ring that she was wearing on her right hand for free at a local store and that one New Years Eve she was given some rolling papers for free too, "Miracle on Christopher Street".
- Dave asked if she enjoyed Halloween when she was a kid and she said that when she got a little older she formed the Funny Face Club, of which she was the only member, and her one-girl club would charge neighbors 25 cents to dispose of their rotting jack-o'-lanterns and then she'd just smash them in the street.
- Dave said that Amy looked like she had a healthy glow and wanted to know if she'd been on vacation recently, but she said she hadn't, at least not that she could remember, but she did have some plastic surgery in her mouth after her prior dental drama. Dave asked, "Who's going to see in your mouth," and she told him that a lot of people would be seeing in her mouth.
- Amy tried to turn the interview around on Dave by asking him if he aspired to be a talk show host when he was a child, but he said that he actually just won his hosting gig by winning a theme-writing contest.
May 14, 2004
This show was taped at 4:00am in the morning for no other reason than to try something new. Amy wasn't in the studio this time, instead she was on the sidewalk in her West Greenwich Village neighborhood to give Dave's viewers a tour of her block. After assuring Dave that she was "up for this", she started her tour at the intersection of Christopher and Bedford Streets. She surmised that it was probably safer for them that she wasn't in the studio with him, alluding to all of the sexual tension between them. Then she shared a little info about how she'd acquired some Ambien that she'd ordered online from a lab in Florida.
After admonishing viewers to "stay on the runner", she began her tour (cross-eyed, á la CNN's Bobbie Battista) in front of the Lucille Lortel Theater, where she pointed out one of the brass stars on the sidewalk with the name Marc Blitzstein on it, guessing that he's probably a Jewish actor. She then presented one of the eleven gay porn shops in the area. This particular one, she claims, just got in a shipment of Internal Sunshine of the Spotless Behind. Pointing across the street, she directed the audience's attention to her favorite place to buy chocolate, Lilac. The tour also included a shop where you could buy DVDs and bongs, a gay bar called The Hangar (which she said appeared to still have customers in it at 4:30am), a jewelry store that she suspects is a drug front, a place called The Beach where you can get a wax and/or a massage ("Full release."), and another video porn shop called the Triple X, which she claimed had just gotten a shipment of 13 Going Down on 30 and Holes. Finally, after pointing out the shop where her dressmaker (Mary Adams) works, she sat down outside at my favorite place to get breakfast in the Village, Manatus (on Bleecker Street). At the end of the show she could be seen, still sitting at Manatus, enjoying a margarita. Then perhaps she went home, popped some Ambien, and went to sleep. Or maybe she decided to stay up and make some cupcakes and cheeseballs.
April 14, 2004
Amy made another last-minute appearance and:
- talked about the dress she was wearing, which was made from bed sheets. She said it'll come in handy because when she falls down drunk she'll be ready for bed.
- mentioned a recent brassiere fitting
- discussed her imaginary baby, Hercules, that she had with her longtime imaginary boyfriend Ricky. They'd been trying to conceive a child for hours. She said that Ricky had gotten drunk that evening, so she had to bring Hercules to the show with her and leave the nanny at home to care for Ricky.
- talked about her Greek Easter celebration at her apartment, which was attended by the Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick
- offered to rabbit-proof Dave's "camper" when he decides someday to get a bunny for his son Harry
- talked about how she and her club, the Crafty Beavers, charged the Parker-Brodericks 25 cents to decorate their home for Christmas
- sang John Denver's "Rocky Mountain High" with someone named Smitty
October 8, 2003
Amy made a last-minute appearance on "The Late Show".
- Dave asked Amy about her dress, which was made by Amy's dressmaker, Mary Adams. Amy explained that the dress is made of aprons and has a lot of rickrack on it. Note: Dave wasn't familiar with the term rickrack, so he thought that she meant to say bric-a-brac; however, rickrack is a flat braid made in zigzag form that is used as trimming, and bric-a-brac refers to curios and knickknacks.
- Amy teased Dave about being pregnant with his baby and pretended it was kicking.
- She talked about her obsession with eBay, where she'd recently found an owl puppet that she named Iris Fleischman and uses as her rabbit Dusty's strict dietician. She mentioned how this one time she'd received an item that she'd won on eBay that was wrapped in an adult diaper, for padding, of course.
- She offered her "Nanny to the Stars" services to Dave.
- She said that her father wants to nickname her brother Paul's baby "Happy", and that they all should start using the name right away so it'll stick.
- She said that her arts-and-crafts club, The Crafty Beavers, recently decorated a storefront for Halloween, and were carving pumpkins for Mary's Fish Camp. She also started using "pokes" (decorative toothpicks) on her homemade cupcakes.
- She also brought a clip of her entire performance in the Jack Black movie, School of Rock.
June 4, 2003
Amy made this appearance, ostensibly, to promote "Wigfield". She was even wearing one of the "uniforms" that she had worn while joining Stephen Colbert and Paul Dinello on stage for "Wigfield" readings throughout the country.
- She told Dave that her rabbit, Tattle Tail, had been murdered, but clarified that this is just a story that she tells her new rabbit, Dusty, to keep her on edge. She also mentioned that the Rabbit Society made her an honrary rabbit educator.
- Dave asked about the screen door that Amy had put on her bedroom door, which leads into her hallway that is papered with Chinese ginger candy wrappers.
- Her summer plans included trying to get a job hostessing for Mary's Fish Camp at 4th and Charles, learning how to use her computer, and trying to be her brother Paul's baby's favorite aunt.
- She said that her imaginary boyfriend, Ricky, had recently been working as a grip on a movie called Hard Ground Cover, or something, and lost his hearing when a gun went off on the set, so she's been doing some made up sign language.
- Dave showed some of Todd Oldham's photos from "Wigfield" and Amy described the characters: Hoyt Gein, Mae Ella Padgett, and Cinnamon.
February 24, 2003
Amy gave a report and showed her video coverage of the Grammy Awards events of the previous evening. Amy said that she never made it home that night, and she was still wearing the same little black dress that she had worn to the festivities. She then showed off some great footage, plus a hickey from Boz Scaggs. There were also clips of Amy with the Dixie Chicks (who she claims to have left the party with), Art Garfunkel and son, George Clinton, Cyndi Lauper, and Paul Shaffer, among others.
I missed this show. If anyone out there has this appearance on tape, let me know if you can send me a copy, okay!?
November 28, 2002
Amy gave us a Thanksgiving treat by appearing on "The Late Show". She talked about the following things:
- She'd done a print advertisement that appears in the latest issue of her favorite magazine, Nest and she showed off the skirt that her friend Todd Oldham made for her with the bunny print fabric that was featured in that ad. Amy called it her "early menopause look".
- She had been invited to dine at Susan Sarandon's house that day, but she couldn't make it because of her "Late Show" appearance.
- She was expecting a number of friends to drop by her place for dessert later that evening and she planned to take Polaroids of them that they could buy for $5 each. People used to pose with her dearly departed rabbit, Tattle Tail, so Amy suggested that perhaps now they could pose with Tattle Tail's ashes instead.
- Dave asked her to describe the Christmas gifts that she's been making and she mentioned the Bic lighters that she's covered with wood-grain shelf paper and will give to children. She's also worked on putting faces on pine nuts, but they cause roach problems. She said that every year she gives bacon grease (in ice cube trays) to everyone in her family and she's also making cookbooks to give to people.
- She gave Dave some tips to make Thanksgiving guests feel comfortable, like cracking open new bottles of liquor, so people won't feel funny about opening them. And saying, "Would you like a bottle of wine?" instead of "Would you like another bottle of wine?" so guests wouldn't feel like alcoholics.
- She made a few funny cracks about lesbian party guests liking to prepare their party dishes in her kitchen and getting in her way, taking up her counter space and using her utensils. But she said, on the plus side, that they wouldn't get any hair in the food. She joked that her comments might inspire complaint letters to be written to Letterman.
- Dave asked Amy about Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick's new baby and she said that the baby is about the size of an eggplant and he always has his arm up, so it looks like he's always ready to answer questions.
- She said that she likes to pretend that the Brodericks' infant is hers, so now she and her imaginary boyfriend, Ricky, are going to try to have a baby of their own. When Dave asked what Ricky does for a living Amy responded that he's a grip who works a lot in Argentina. She also said that she tried having an imaginary know-it-all dog named Douglas, but she couldn't think of enough facts for him to know, so the dog went away.
- Finally, Amy discussed her appearance in the film Maid in Manhattan and said that she was Jennifer Lopez's ass double in the movie. She also described co-star and "classy lady" Natasha Richardson's home decor.
July 25, 2002
Amy wore the same whimsical, kitschy, full-length, apron-inspired dress that she wore to the "Sex & the City premiere the previous Tuesday. Some of the subjects touched upon were:
- Her tan. She said that she has "tanorexia" and that much of her current tan was obtained during her coverage of the New Orleans Jazz Festival for the digital cable channel Trio. She also said that in her childhood the Sedaris children would have tanning competitions. They'd set up an "emollients center" with all of their lotions to prepare for the contest. Her sister Gretchen was usually a big winner because she'd even get tan inside her ears.
- Sarah Jessica Parker. Amy joked that SJP is "stingy," "crisis prone," and owes her a lot of money. She also said that SJP and hubby Matthew Broderick just bought a new home a block away from Amy's place and that Amy has already laid claim to a room there. She wants to be their nanny. Perhaps Amy would seduce the mister, too, seeing how SJP is currently "bigger" than she is.
- Tattletail. She discussed her grief period after the death of her rabbit, Tattletail. She said that after bouts of sobbing her eyes out she'd look at herself in the bathroom mirror and think about the kinds of melodramatic situations in Lifetime made-for-TV movies: having a tumor in the brain, seeing a friend beaten by her husband, etc. Those kinds of high drama situations are always good for a laugh in Amy's book. She also stated that Tattletail was cremated and is in an urn in her apartment. She has since renamed her "Ashley." After Tattletail's death Amy decided to do a little redecorating and her friend, fashion designer Todd Oldham, helped her. She now has a screen door into her bedroom and she plans to embroider some insects onto it.
- Imaginary Ricky. Amy said that her imaginary boyfriend Ricky showed up to help her crisis and she admitted that they've been discussing marriage.
- Crafts. She said that besides reading she also plans to spend the rest of the Summer working on her crafts, particularly her latest coconut creation. She takes half a coconut, hollows it out, dries it, pulls the hairy stuff off, drills a hole in the back, and turns it into a little cup to place beneath a wall-mounted bottle opener. The coconut catches the bottle top. She said that these make great housewarming gifts. I bet Martha Stewart will steal that idea.
- Country Road. Amy got into the spotlight and sang a bit of John Denver's "Country Road". She hoped that she wasn't going to make Dave's musical guests "Tweezer" (Weezer) feel threatened.
March 25, 2002
Amy visited Dave once again and...
Note: The following week's issue of Entertainment Weekly mentioned that Amy had made a joke on this program that stirred up a little controversy. The previous night, Halle Berry and Denzel Washington had won top honors at the Academy Awards ceremony and Sidney Poitier had been presented with a special award for his lifetime of achievements, so when Amy referred to the awards telecast as "Showtime at the Apollo", CBS and "Late Show" execs got worried and edited the quip from the broadcast, even though on that same night Arsenio Hall made a joke on Jay Leno's "Tonight Show" that was almost identical and NBC did not edit his words.
- discussed her upcoming 41st birthday. She said that when her brother David turned 40 he stopped eating dip and stopped wearing jeans. She said that she was going to cut back on hush puppies, put rails in her shower, and get one of those single-sized automatic beds. She had already made a few preparations for old age by lowering her spice rack to eye level, lowering the telephone in case she falls on the floor and can't get up, bought "Bone Up" (which is apparently endorsed by Lauren Hutton) to strengthen her bones, and pre-threaded needles. So she's ready.
- mentioned some renovation projects that she had going on for her rabbit, Tattle Tail. She'd also been experiencing a problem with mice in her apartment. They'd eaten her taxidermied crab, Clawson. They also ate the eyes out of her stuffed duck, Bill Downs, and the next day had finished off his entire head. She'd seen four mice scampering around her living room the night before while she was watching the Academy Awards.
- offered up a stream-of-consciousness anecdote about a girl she knew who was sleeping with this guy that Amy had been dating at the time. This weak-wristed girl had been the valedictorian of her class and a French major, so Amy was jealous of her, but that jealousy instantly disappeared when she was in a restaurant with this girl once and heard her order prime rib with the "aw juss sauce", instead of "aw zhoo" (au jus).
- talked about her new pal Sarah Jessica Parker, who was celebrating her birthday that day ("Fifty two," Amy claimed). Amy showed the lovely cornflower blue shoes that Sarah Jessica had given to her for Valentines Day (and Amy had given SJP a bunch of hand-me-down shirts that were way too big for her). The two gal pals had recently gone on a shopping excursion to Louis Vuitton, and while at this particular exclusive clothing store Amy had stripped down to her bra and "underpants", thinking that she was in part of the dressing room, but she was actually right out in the open for the whole world to see.
- said that at Matthew Broderick's recent 40th birthday party a number of stars of stage musicals joined each other in song. Amy told Dave that she admires people who do musicals, and she'd like to do a song with Paul Shaffer the next time she visits the show: "Papa, can you hear meeeeee?"
October 31, 2001
Less than two months after her first appearance, Amy visited Dave again.
- Dave thanked Amy for the cupcakes that she'd brought for him and she mentioned that she wanted to gather celebrity endorsements and hoped that he'd contribute one. She read what Janeane Garofalo had written: "Every day that I don't have one of Ms. Sedaris's cupcakes is a day I feel further from God." Dave improvised one on the spot saying, "Dave sez, 'Mighty tastee'."
- She took a little time to discuss her new play Wonder of the World, and mentioned how the audiences, especially for matinees, tended to skew a bit into an older demographic. She also joked about her crush on WOTW co-star Sarah Jessica Parker's husband, Matthew Broderick.
- Made her first mention on the Letterman show about her imaginary boyfriend, Ricky.
- She told a story about her accidental purchase of a $500 pair of shoes while she was strolling around one day trying to fight the post-9/11 blues.
- She claimed that she resembles Robert Blake and John Cougar Mellencamp.
September 6, 2001
- Dave complimented Amy's dress and she told him that it "looks better on the floor, Dave" (wink, wink).
- She recounted the tale that her brother David told in one of his books about Amy's family visit during which she'd worn a fatty suit to freak her father out by making him think that she'd put on weight.
- Amy also discussed her upcoming play, Wonder of the World, which would star Sarah Jessica Parker.
- She told a tale about how she'd seen Wendy Malick naked when she was doing "Just Shoot Me" out in Los Angeles. She also said that George Segal had confided a bit of gossip to her about Barbra Streisand that he'd learned while filming The Owl and the Pussycat.
- She mentioned an idea that she wanted to propose to the Bravo cable network for a show in which every week she'd invite celebrities to her apartment and make them do some kind of home improvement chore for her home or an arts-and-crafts project, and she could interview them while they're working: "Maybe Buddy Hackett would do some shelving..."
- She talked about how she brought a rabbit specialist into her apartment to improve living conditions for her own rabbit, Tattle Tail.