Stephen Colbert as the evening's entertainment at
the White House Correspondents' Dinner;  April 29, 2006

Stephen and his wife EvieMark Smith, from the Associated Press:  "Okay, ladies and gentlemen, our last speaker this evening, the man with the unenviable job of following not one, but two Presidents George W. Bush, has become a sensation since his show, 'The Colbert Report', debuted on Comedy Central last year. That is because Stephen Colbert has shown America he's not only funny, but fearless. He will defend the truth, whether or not it is under attack. And he will stand up for what is right without fear of mere trifles like facts. Any resemblance between Stephen and persons here in this room is completely intentional. I was feeling pretty pleased the day after signing Stephen for this dinner, when I came across an alarming news headline, "Colbert Declares AP Number One Threat Facing America." It seems AP, my company, had run a profile which failed to credit Stephen for the word "truthiness," and he gleefully declared war. I had one of those "pit in my stomach," "career in flames" moments and in panic I emailed Tom Hurley, my boss, and I said, "Tom, please tell me we're laughing about this." Fortunately, Tom replied, "Yes, Mark, we are, of course." Mr. President, usually you and the politicians are the ones in the crosshairs here at this dinner. Tonight no one is safe. Ladies and gentlemen, here with a special edition of 'The Colbert Report', Stephen Colbert":

Stephen Colbert: "Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Before I begin, I've been asked to make an announcement. Whoever parked 14 black bullet-proof S.U.V.s out front, could you please move them. They are blocking in 14 other black bullet-proof S.U.V.s and they need to get out.

Wow, what an honor. The White House Correspondents' Dinner. To actually... to sit here, at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush. To be this close to the man. I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You know what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face. Is he really not here tonight? Damn it! The one guy who could have helped.

By the way, before I get started, if anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Somebody from the N.S.A. will be right over with a cocktail.

Mark Smith, ladies and gentlemen of the press corps, Madame First Lady, Mr. President, my name is Stephen Colbert and tonight it is my privilege to celebrate this president. Because we're not so different, he and I. We both get it. Guys like us, we're not some brainiacs on the nerd patrol. We're not members of the factinista. We go straight from the gut, right sir? That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. Now, I know some of you are going to say, "I did look it up, and that's not true." That's because you looked it up in a book. Next time look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells me that's how our nervous system works.

Every night on my show, 'The Colbert Report', I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it the "No Fact Zone".  Fox News, I own a copyright on that term. I'm a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. And I cannot wait to see how The Washington Post spins that one tomorrow. I believe in democracy. I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out of plastic for three cents a unit. As a matter of fact, Ambassador Zhou Wenzhong, welcome. Your great country makes our happy meals possible.

Stephen should have used monosyllabic words so the simple-minded chimp, left, could understand him.I said it's a celebration.

I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible—I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical. And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be you Hindu, Jewish, or Muslim. I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.

Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it's yogurt. But I refuse to believe it's not butter. Most of all I believe in this president. Now, I know there's some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality," and reality has a well-known liberal bias.

So, Mr. President, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half full. 32% means the glass——it's important to set up your jokes properly, sir. Sir pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash.

Look, folks, my point is that I don't believe this is a low point in this presidency. I believe it is just a lull, before a comeback. I mean, it's like the movie Rocky. The president is Rocky Balboa, and Apollo Creed is everything else in the world. It's the Tenth Round. He's bloodied. His corner man, Mick, who I guess in this case would be the Vice President, he's yelling, "Cut me, Dick, cut me," and every time he falls everyone says, "Stay down, Rock, stay down!" But does he stay down? No. Like Rocky he gets back up and in the end he... actually loses in the first movie. Um, hmmm. Okay. It doesn't matter. The point is it's the heart-warming story of a man who was repeatedly punched in the face. So don't pay attention to the approval ratings that say that 68% of Americans disapprove of the job this man is doing. I ask you this, does that not also logically mean that 68% approve of the job he's not doing? Think about it. I haven't.

I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers, and rubble, and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world. Now, there may be an energy crisis. Well, this president has a very forward-thinking energy policy. Why do you think he's down on the ranch cutting that brush all the time? He's trying to create an alternative energy source. By 2008 we will have a mesquite powered car. And I just like the guy. He's a good Joe. Obviously loves his wife, he calls her his better half. And polls show America agrees. She's a true lady and a wonderful woman. But I just have one beef, ma'am. I'm sorry, but this reading initiative. I've never been a fan of books. I don't trust them. They're all fact, no heart. I mean, they're elitists telling us what is or isn't true, or what did or didn't happen. Who's Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was built in 1914. If I want to say it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American. I'm with the president, let history decide what did or did not happen.

The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change, this man's beliefs never will. And as excited as I am to be here with the president, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying America, with the exception of Fox News.

Fox News gives you both sides of every story, the President's side and the Vice President's side. But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on N.S.A. wiretapping or secret prisons in Eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important reason, they're super-depressing. And if that's your goal, well, misery accomplished.

Over the last five years you people were so good over tax cuts, W.M.D. intelligence, the effect of global warming. We Americans didn't want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good times... as far as we knew. But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works. The President makes decisions, he's the decider. The Press Secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know, fiction.

Because, really, what incentive do these people have to answer your questions, after all? I mean, nothing satisfies you. Everybody asks for personnel changes. So the White House has personnel changes. Then you write, "Oooh, they're just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic." First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg.

Now, it's not all bad guys out there. There are some of the heroes out there tonight, Christopher Buckley, Jeff Sachs, Ken Burns, Bob Schieffer. I've interviewed all of them. By the way, Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to be to my show. I appreciate it. I was just as shocked as everyone here is, I promise you. How's Tuesday for you? I've got Frank Rich, but we can just bump him. And I mean bump him. I know a guy. Say the word.

Let's see who we've got here tonight. We've go General Mosely, Air Force Chief of Staff. We've got General Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. They still support Rumsfeld. You guys aren't retired yet, right? Right, they still support Rumsfeld. Look, by the way, I've got a theory about how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble. Don't let them retire. Come on, we've got a stop loss program, let's use it on these guys. If you're strong enough to go on one of those pundit shows, you're strong enough to stand on a bank of computers and order men into battle. Come on.

Jesse Jackson is here. The Reverend. I haven't heard from the Reverend in just a little while. I had him on the show. Very interesting interview. Very challenging interview. You can ask him anything, but he's going to say what he wants at the pace that he wants. It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.

Stephen ruffles feathersJustice Scalia's here. May I be the first to say welcome, sir. [makes Italian back-of-hand-extending-outward-from-under-chin gesture] You look fantastic [more gestures]. How are you? [more gestures] Just talkin' some Sicilian with my paisan.

John McCain is here. John McCain, what a maverick. Somebody find out what fork he used on his salad, because I guarantee you it wasn't a salad fork. This guy could've used a spoon. There's no predicting him. By the way, Senator McCain, it's so wonderful to see you coming back into the Republican fold. I've actually got a summer house in South Carolina. Look me up when you go to speak at Bob Jones University. So glad you've seen the light, sir.

Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the chocolate city. Yeah, give it up. Mayor Nagin, I would like to welcome you to Washington, D.C., The chocolate city with a marshmallow center, and a graham cracker crust of corruption. It's a Mallomar, I guess, is what I'm describing, is a Mallomar. It's a seasonal cookie.

Joe Wilson is here. Joe Wilson, right down here in front. The most famous husband since Desi Arnaz. And of course he brought along his lovely wife, Valerie Plame. Oh, my god! Oh, what have I said? I... gee, I am sorry, Mr. President, I meant to say he brought along his lovely wife, Joe Wilson's wife. Patrick Fitzgerald's not here tonight, right? Okay, dodged a bullet.

And of course we can't forget the man of the hour, new Press Secretary, Tony Snow. Secret Service name, Snow Job. Toughest job. What a hero, he took the second toughest job in government, next to, of course, the Ambassador to Iraq. Got some big shoes to fill, Tony. Scott McClellan could say nothing like nobody else. McClellan, of course, eager to retire. Really felt like he needed to spend more time with Andrew Card's children.

Mr. President, I wish you hadn't made the decision so quickly, sir. I was vying for the job myself. I think I would have made a fabulous press secretary. I have nothing but contempt for these people [gestures to the crowd]. I know how to handle these clowns. In fact, sir, I brought along an audition tape and with your indulgence, I'd like to at least give it a shot. So, ladies and gentlemen, my press conference."

Video:
 
Stephen Colbert
Press Secretary

[Stephen rises through the floor behind a podium] "I have a brief statement. The press is destroying America. Okay, let's see who we've got here today. Stretch [gestures to David Gregory], Sir Nerdlington, Sloppy Joe, Terry Lemon-Moran-Pie, oh, Doubting Thomas [points at Helen Thomas], always a pleasure, and Suzanne Mal-hellooooo [makes telephone-to-ear gesture and mouths, "Call me."].

[Colbert takes a question] Yes..."

Reporter: "Will the Vice President be available soon to answer all questions himself?"

Colbert: I've already addressed that question." [Points to another reporter.] You...

Reporter: Walter Cronkite, the noted CBS anchor..."

Colbert: "Ah, he's the former CBS anchor. Katie Couric is the anchor of the CBS Evening News. Wa-wait, how do you guys feel about that? You, toussle-haired guy in the back. Are you happy about Katie Couric taking over the CBS Evening News?"

Dan Rather: "No, Mr. Colbert, are you?" [laughs from Colbert, Rather, and the audience.]

Colbert: "Oh, look. We woke David Gregory up. David, do you have a question?"

David Gregory: "Did Karl Rove commit a crime?"

Colbert: "I don't know. I'll ask him. Karl, pay attention please." [cut to Rove doodling "Karl + Stephen" within a heart.]

David Gregory: "Do you stand by your statement from the fall of 2003 when you were asked specifically about Karl, and Elliot Abrams, and Scooter Libby, and you said, 'I've gone to each of those gentlemen and they have told me they are not involved in this,' do you stand by that statement?"

Colbert: "Nah, I was just kiddin'."

David Gregory: "No, you're not finishing. You're not saying anything. You stood at that podium and said..."

Colbert: [interrupting] "Ah, that's where you're wrong. New podium. Just had it delivered today. Get your facts straight, David."

David Gregory: "This is ridiculous. The notion that you're going to stand before us after having commented with that level of detail and tell people watching this that somehow you decided not to talk. You've got to..." [Stephen reaches for a knob marked "Volume" and turns it down as David Gregory's voice fades away to nothingness.]

Colbert: "I... I'm sorry. What's that, David? If I can't hear you I can't answer your question, I'm sorry. I have to move on. Yes, Terry..."

Reporter: "After the investigation began, after the criminal investigation was underway, you said..." [Stephen uses a remote control to fast forward over much of the question] "...All of a sudden you have respect for the sanctity of the criminal investigation?"

Colbert: "No, I never had any respect for the sanctity of a criminal investigation. Activist judges. Yes, Helen..."

Helen Thomas: "You're gonna be sorry." [laughter]

Colbert: "Whatcha gonna do, Helen, ask me for a recipe?"

Helen Thomas: "Your decision to invade Iraq has caused the deaths of thousands of Americans and Iraqis. Wounds for Americans and Iraqis for a lifetime."

Colbert: "Okay, hold on. Helen, okay, hold on."

Helen Thomas: "Everything you've said, publicly, at least, has turned out not to be true. My question is, why did you really want to go to war?"

Colbert: "Helen, I'm gonna stop you right there. That's enough." [Thomas continues asking her questions.] "No. Sorry, Helen, I'm movin' on."

[Reporters all start to speak over each other, asking questions.]

Colbert: "Guys, guys... Please, don't let Helen do this to what was a lovely day." [Stephen plugs his hears and makes a "buh-luh-luh-luh-luh-luh" noise.] "No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not listening to you. Look what you did, Helen. I hate you! I'm outta here!" [Stephen fumbles with the curtains in the background to make his escape.] "There is a wall here!" [Laughter from the reporters.]

Colbert [outside the press room]: "It reeks in there! Ridiculous! I've never been so insulted in my entire life. Stupid job..."

[Helen Thomas follows Stephen as he heads for his car. Stephen turns, sees her, and makes a run for it. Stephen trips on a white rollerskate and says, "Condiiiii," while shaking his fist. Stephen gets to his parking garage, tries to use an emergency call box, "She won't stop asking why we invaded Iraq." The parking lot attendant asks, "Hey, why did we invade Iraq?" Stephen shouts, "Noooo! He runs to his rental car, as Helen Thomas continues her stalking, plodding pursuit. Stephen fumbles with his keys. He gets in the car. Fumbles some more. Starts the car. He sees Helen right in front of his car and he screams, "Nooooo!" again. He escapes from the parking garage and makes his way north to New York on a train. His chauffeur, Danny, picks him up at Penn Station. He gets in the car. The doors all lock. He looks to the driver's seat. Helen Thomas turns around and says, "Buckle up, hon," and Stephen screams, yet again, "Nooooooo!" Stephen looks out the passenger window, helplessly, as Helen pulls away from the curb and the vehicle's tires squeal. The end.]

Colbert: "Helen Thomas, ladies and gentlemen." [Applause.] "Mr. Smith, members of the White House Correspondents Association, Madame First Lady, and Mr. President, it's been a true honor. Thank you very much. Good night."