|Jerri Blank in "A Cinderella Story"|
by Christopher Discenza
Once upon a time in a land far away, there lived a beautiful young girl named Cinderella. She was so beautiful, with shiny blond hair, blue eyes, milky white skin, creamy, firm, supple thighs, breasts pert and pointy, without a single bite mark or cigarette burn, an ass you could play ping pong on, and a snatch as tight as a beartrap. Luckily, this beautiful girl lived in a big castle far away. Imagine the dough she'd be rakin' in if she shook that tight little ass at Scores in downtown Orlando. Competing with her for clients, I never would've made it past the big 3-0, much less a 46-year old ex-con high school freshman. Why, Cindy'd be livin' the life of a Hollywood porn star, while I'd
be stuck makin' stag films in the Valley.
Anywho, Cinderella lived in a big castle with her wicked, ugly step-mother and two ugly step-sisters named Derrick and Derek. Now I know what you're thinkin', those are boy's names. You see, Derrick and Derek were so faggy, so sissy, and so hairless, Cinderella would only call them her step-pussies. One night Cinderella was at her step-mother's dressing table, powdering and buffing her marvelous breasts, which shined in the light, so white, so soft, just like two hand-scrubbed pearls, or two rare condor eggs glistening in the winter moonlight, like a two-scoop vanilla sundae that clearly, thankfully, never had a banana in the middle. Boy, that burns hotter than a 400-pound Jew on a beach in Boca.
Her breasts, so supple, so bouncy under her tight, silky corset with baby's breath embroidered on it. Her breasts bounced and trembled under that cloud of talc, like watchin' two shaven weasels humpin' in a cold dark alley next to a homeless man enjoying his final snort o' horse before being taken away by what his friend at the shelter called "Aye Dios Mio."
And as Cinderella prettied herself up, in walked her ugly Step-mother, so ugly with her thrice-botched rhinoplasty, the last she got in the parking lot of Flatpoint Downs in exchange for some insulin for my Daddy, my dear, dear Daddy, in lieu of the health care plan he lost when the Flatpoint chairman of the Republican Party found out he voted Blue in '04. A crooked nose, an allergy to hot wax, and at least 70 years of peroxide left step-mom ugly, wretched, fat, and ugly. I've seen prettier things under a rare cheeseburger. When she saw Cinderella in all her buxom splendor, she threw a fit.
"Jerri, what do you think you're doing? I thought I told you never to play with my things while I'm away seeking medical attention."
"Oh mom," Cinderella said, "everyone knows why you always come home wrapped up like a cab-driver's head."
"Don't you talk to me that way, young lady, or I'll drive you right back to that overpass we found you under, and you can spend the rest of your nights eating soup from a can and whistling "Moon River" ironically with the rest of your gypsy friends."
"Mother, they're called hobos. Show a little respect."
"Why don't you show me a little respect while you're living under my buttresses?"
"I'm sorry, Mother. I'm sorry about your cancer of the neck and the eyes. The nose cancer. I'm sorry that not even holy water could plump up those dried fruits."
"That's it young lady. I've been wanting to do this ever since you put alligator semen in my all-night revitalizing mask. You'd be in the dungeon to this day had it not cleared up that little patch of hair on my... well never mind. Take this."
"What is it?"
"It... you know what it is. Take the broom and start sweepin', or it's back to 69-in' under I-95 for you. You can start in Derrick and Derek's room. And get some cleaning supplies next to the dungeon, while you're at it."
So poor Cinderella went to janitor's closet downstairs. Her breasts jiggled gracefully as she walked down the halls of the castle. She decided to skip, to feel them jiggle faster and harder, just hard enough that they could barely be contained under her tight corset. God Damn did she have a nice rack.
When she got to the closet, the janitor, Orlando, was sitting on his stool. Apparently his constipation was more stubborn than semen on a polyester turtleneck.
"What's up, Jerri? Need some more magazines?" Orlando, asked, offering the Hustler he held in his dirty, shaking hands.
"No no," I said, I mean, Cinderella said. Oh, god damn it. Well, it's too late to change it now, it's due next period. Anyway, Cinderella replied, "No no, Miss October's keepin' my pumpkin pie moist and chewy."
"Then what is it, Cinderella?"
"It's Step-mom, I think the rat poison injections are finally hitting her brain. She wants me to start doing house chores. I mean, what do I look like, a beached Phlip holding up a "Will Pork for Puppies" sign?"
"Cinderella, I'm Philipino, that's a terrible stereotype."
"Oh relax, puppies are cute, and beaches are beautiful. Listen, I didn't mean to make you homesick. I just need some cleaning stuff and a bucket."
"I can't. What if your dad sees you, he'll think I'm not working."
Cinderella paused for a second. "Oh, I see," she said. "Alright, alright. Let's make a deal. You give me a bucket, a brush, and some soap, and I'll sneak you some of Daddy's suppositories. How's that sound? I miss a night in the dungeon, and you'll be as clean as a chimney. What do ya say?"
"Good. I'll take one bucket, one brush, some soap. Whoa, this is bringing back memories. The last time I used these was in an alley behind a Safeway in Fort Lauderdale. See my friend Kimmy was hangin' out at Larry's Bar and Grill and met this truck driver. She had a few too many Hurricanes and, well, let's just say Kimmy and I got rid of what, in our world, means an angry pimp and not enough money for daycare. Afterwards we went to my place, put on some Air Supply and um, licked our wounds, if you
catch my drift. Those were some Good Times."
"Just go now, Jerri."
So off Cinderella went, back up stairs to Derrick and Derek's room. When she got there, her step-pussies were laying in bed, braiding each other's hair. Yes, quite the couple of fairies they were. Mr. Noblet calls that last thing "foreshadowing."
"Hey troll, what's with the broom and bucket?" one of them lisped.
"Your ugly mother's given me clean-up duty."
"Aww, that's too bad, lump. I guess you'll be missing tonight's big ball. And what a shame, everyone's gonna be there."
"Shut up, Dicklickers. Nice hair. Did Rapunzel get a bikini wax?"
"You're lucky we accidently braided ourselves together. How do you like our dresses, cud?"
"Not bad. Where's the ball? Cuntingham Palace?"
"Oh well, I was gonna wear this beautiful blue gown with the plunging neckline," she held up a blue gown. It was Cinderella's, the gown she was going to show off her rockin' jugs in. She was gonna show everyone a trick she learned in New Orleans, involving two beaded necklaces and day-old hush puppy.
"Hey?" Cinderella screamed. "Where did you get that? Give it back!"
"I have an idea, plug. How 'bout after you scrub our toilet, you can wipe it clean with this." Derrick held up a pair of scissors and cut up the blue gown that Derek was holding. They laughed at poor Cinderella, who started to cry. "And you can dust the chandeliers with this." Derrick held up Jerri's beloved pet gerbil. "Fisty!" she cried. What am I gonna do now? she thought. She grabbed Fisty and the shredded dress from her sisters, picked up her broom and bucket, and ran to her room. Sobbing, she climbed into bed and fell asleep.
A few hours later, Cinderella woke up, and went to her window. It was dusk, and the wind had picked up. She stretched and rubbed her eyes. She looked out over the kingdom. Off in the distance, she could see a light. It was a pink light that danced around and looked like it was getting closer. Cinderella started thinking about the dream she just had. She was at the ball, in her blue gown, dancing with Prince Jellineck, the kingdom's most eligible bachelor. As the Prince spun her around in his arms, she could see all the jealous faces in the ballroom, including her ugly step-mother and step-
homos. One of the faces was the Princess Tammy. Tammy walked towards the couple. She had on an adorable pink and yellow slip-dress and had lilies of the valley dangling from her flaming red hair.
The dress clung to her hips like an angry fratboy.
"Cinderella," she whispered as she arrived at the dancing duo. "May I have this dance."
Cinderella then woke up and screamed "God Damn it! Oh I wish I could go to the ball tonight!" But the pink light made her feel better, for as it drew closer, she realized it was a flying fairy, and the fairy looked like none other than her own mother, who died many years ago, from erotic asphyxiation.
"Mother is that you? Is that really you?" Cinderella asked.
"Yes my dear. I've come to help you."
"Oh Mother, those boils cleared up days ago."
"No, my dear. I've come so that you may go to the ball and make the Prince fall in love with you, so that you may live happily ever after."
"What Prince? I mean, really?"
"Yes, my dear. First thing's first." The fairy waved her wand towards the sky. Suddenly a green fabric appeared and floated down into Cinderella's arms. Cinderella recognized it, for it was the dress worn a few years ago by the Countess Lopez, and that Cinderella often thought about while changing batteries. She was overwhelmed with joy.
"You may wear that, my dear." She waved her wand again, this time towards the driveway in front of the castle. Magically, an SUV appeared, a sparkling silver Cadillac Escalade with gold hup caps, a pink pinstripe and fuzzy dice. Out stepped a man bedecked in white mink and a lavendar fedora.
"It's "Boots"!" Cinderella exclaimed.
"Who?" the fairy remarked.
"Lamar "Boots" Wilder! He was my second pimp in Memphis. We called him "Boots" because that's what he used to teach us how to suck multiple..."
"No no no, my dear. That's just your chauffeur. He'll be taking you to the ball!"
"Good times!" Cinderella spun around in excitement. She took off her ragged cleaning corset and slipped on her new green dress. The fabric clung gently to her oh so perky bosom. It draped over her pointy nipples, hardened by the cold breeze, standing as proud as a couple of gumdrops. Sweet, sweet breasts she had. "Oh thank you, Mother!"
"Oh, but there is an important rule you must follow."
"I'm way ahead of you, Mother." Cinderella reached between under her skirt and pulled out a 12-pack of extra-long Trojans.
"Oh, well there's that. But also, this spell will fade at the stroke of midnight. You must leave the ball by then or your dress and your dope ride will disappear. Farewell my love." She waved her wand one last time and disappeared into the night. Cinderella immediately got ready for the ball.
Moments later, Cinderella arrived at the ball. "Boots" opened the door for her, and out she stepped.
"You go with yo fine self, Miss Cinderella, and don't you let them call you "bitch" or "ho." That's my job."
"And don't forget, the spell ends at the stroke of midnight. It sure would be a pity if that pretty dress of yours disappeared before even getting the chance to be tied around your neck."
He was Mother's creation all right. "Thanks Boots." He parked the car and lit a spleef, and Cinderella entered the ball. It was everything she'd imagined it would be. Chandeliers, giant bouquets on the tables, a fully stocked bar with plenty of room for body-shots, and, best of all, a discreet lounge in the back for those mid-ball pick-me-ups. Cinderella had enough scag in her cooch for three Nicaragua to LAX flights, but just enough room for the Benjamins and, if necessary, a card-swiper.
When she entered the room, everyone stopped doing what they were doing and turned to Cinderella's direction. She was nothing short of HOT DAMN in her almost-translucent green flowing dress, that framed her front side beautifully, showing enough of those glowing sugar globes, without exposing that unfortunate scar 'round the tummy area. She had appendicitis, she did I swear!
The master of ceremonies, Sir Blackman, reached for the microphone on the stage. He had to clear his throat several times, so entranced by the bootiliciousness was he. "Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it's time to bring out the Prince." All the women raced to the stage, including the ugly step-mother and Derrick and Derek, who were trying to ignore Cinderella. Cinderella played it cool and calm, waltzing up to the stage as slowly as a streetwalker circa 3:30 am.
"Ladies and gentlemen, Prince Jellineck." The Prince walked onto the stage, the train of his magnificent cape held up by his married manservant, Noblet, who has two kids. Prince Jellineck is also happily and legitimately married with kids.
The Prince sat in his thrown on the stage. The women closest to the stage dropped faster than a pair of spiderman briefs at Neverland. Cinderella stood tall and proud, pushing her wonderful rack towards heaven. Sir Blackman held the mic to the Prince.
"Ladies," the Prince cooed, "I have an announcement to make. Even though I am already married and have two healthy, virile sons, I have come to find a new bride. I seek to find a lady of high morals and low stamina, if you know what I mean." A chuckle came from the part of the stage where Noblet was sitting. "She must be fair and true. Delicate and sinewy. Robust, and kind. Above all, she must be pure of heart and... down there." Low whispers filled the room. "I must find a future Queen, a lady
worthy of this." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a thin metal rod with a button on one end.
"What is it?" Derrick asked from the crowd. His voice was as high as a gay fruitfly. The ugly step-mother leaned in and whispered to her girly daughter, "It's called an IUD."
"An IUD, it's for putting it in your..." she whispered what it was to Derrick, who responded with a hand to his mouth and eyes that filled with tears. He looked up at the Prince. The Prince pressed the rod's button and out sprang two wings, the action of which made the Prince giggle. Derrick grabbed Derek and ran out of the ballroom, sobbing all the way home.
Noblet walked up next to the Prince and clapped his hands hard. "Alright, who's first?" he shouted. Cinderella looked at the clock. Midnight was just twenty minutes away. As she started to raise her hand, another woman shouted, "Oh me please!" It was the ugly step-mother.
Noblet acknowledged her. "Bring it on up." Step-mother made her way to the stage. Noblet clapped again. "Come on, bring it on up! We don't have all night." Step-mother stood in front of the Prince, who sat leisurely on his throne. He gave Noblet the IUD. "Alright, hike it up, sis." Step-mother did so, raising her dress just enough to expose her offering.
Noblet reached down, blew at the offering and waved his hands in front of his face, holding back a sneeze. He readied the rod. A few seconds later he came back up and whispered something in the Prince's ear. The Prince did the neck-cutting gesture, and some henchman came on stage and carried Step-mother away. Cinderella pumped her fist demurely. Now was her chance to get out of the castle and live happily ever after as Second-Wife. She raised her hand gracefully to Noblet.
"Alright, green melons is up." Cinderella walked to the stage and stood in front of the Prince. She gave the Prince a sexy wink, but he only yawned and rested his face on his fist. Noblet came over and kneeled before her. When she hiked up her dress I swear I could hear angels singing a chord from far away. Cinderella looked down and saw a radiant light hit Noblet's face. As he administered the IUD, the singing came louder and Noblet's face shone brighter. He smiled and seemed to be on the
verge of crying. Cinderella looked up and saw that the Prince was just as ecstatic.
"It fits," he declared. The party-goers erupted in applause. Prince Jellineck took Cinderella's hand and walked off stage with her. They walked onto the dancefloor. The Prince raised his hand and a gay waltz filled the hall, and the couple danced in raptured glee. Cinderella's dream had come true. She was so happy.
Suddenly she remembered what Mother and Boots told her. She looked up at the clock. It was two minutes to midnight! Cinderella broke free from the Prince's arms and ran towards the door. The Prince and Noblet rushed after her. When she ran outside, she noticed the Escalade was gone! The cold air was absent of Boots combination of Obsession For Men and high-priced hydro. This alarmed Cinderella. She looked down and the bottom part of her dress had disappeared, replaced by snake-
skin stretch pants. "Oh no," she exclaimed. The Prince and Noblet caught up to her.
"The spell is wearing off," Cinderella moaned.
"What spell?" asked the Prince. Everyone at the ball had arrived, and screamed when they saw her changing attire.
"Quiet!" Cinderella screamed. "I've got something to say!" They quieted down. "I'm not beautiful. I'm not popular. And I'm sure as hell not pure. My mother put a spell on me so I could look bootylicious for the ball. I just wanted to find a way to get away from myself, you know? All I want is a second chance, to be happy again, without chemical assistance. Oh please, give me that second chance."
"You forgot something Jerri." The Prince inched close to Cinderella and place his hand over her mid-section.
"What? Oh, right." she unbuckled her black studded belt and peeled down her pants. As she started to pull out the IUD, the Prince gently grabbed her arm.
"Leave it Jerri," he whispered.
"That's no ordinary intra-uterine device. Let me just finish what Noblet started." He reached in and pushed the button. The wings floated up and settled snuggly right at the edge of her fallopian tubes. Just as quickly the stretch pants disappeared and Boots and his ride came screeching 'round the corner and stopped short right in front of them. "In Da Club" was blasting from behind the tinted windows.
Noblet came up to them. "You see Jerri..."
Noblet screamed, "You see Cinderella, as long as your little friends stay out of harm's way, you'll always be pure. Pure enough for our future King and whoever he tells to do his duty to you. Maybe even me." He smiled wide. Cinderella smiled, and the Prince joined in. They all laughed.
The Escalade's back door opened. Noblet kneeled next to it. The Prince Took Jerri's hand and bundled her into her future. The Prince stepped in with a light, masculine tap of his rear by Noblet, who stepped in after. And off they went. Cinderella became Queen Geraldine of the Kingdom of Flatpoint, and she lived happily ever after. The rest of the ball danced the night away.