|Jerri Blank in "Strangers With Candy Canes"|
This is a short story I wrote after finding out about the SWC
cancellation. It really sucked because I had just started watching the show. As for
the story, it's a parallel reality of the show. Basically, what if Jerri was one of
Santa's little helpers? Most of the SWC characters are here, although their names are
changed. I'm sure you'll recognize either a voice, description, or attitude. --
Santa was a jerk, that's what I thought. Having us poor little elves work
year round so lard butt could fly all over the globe for one night soaking up all the
glory. It just wasn't fair! What a drag... It wouldn't even be so bad if he at least
gave us comfortable stools to sit on while we worked our fingers to the bone. I've
still got splinters in my tiny tush from 1983. Oh, this blows. I turned to my fellow
comrades in arms around me, and with two words I summed up exactly how I felt, "Santa
sucks!" The whole workshop turned to me in stunned silence, you could hear a pin
drop, actually you could hear several pins drop since I was by the sewing stations.
I got up and turned, facing our workshop boss, Colbert, Santa's
second biggest brown nosing elf in command. He approached me, his eyes dark with
"What in high holy Heaven did you just say worker 94539?"
"I I I I" I
"Why have you stopped working? Don't you know we've got a deadline here?
UPS is going to be here in like..." Colbert looked as his watch. He was always
glancing at that giant candy cane stripped monstrosity that hung from his green vest
like a badge, actually it was a gift from Santa himself for being so proficient...
brown noser, kiss butt. "...like two hours to pick up our toys Jerri, and what's poor
little Timmy going to say when his super duper race car arrives without its wheels
"But but but..."
"But but but." Colbert said mockingly.
thought Santa delivers all the toys?"
"He does Jerri, but that's only for the
really special boys and girls who book Santa in cash well within a year in advance.
It also doesn't hurt to have some sort of political, corporate, or big star
connection either, like knowing Chuck Norris or Gwyneth Paltrow."
"So Santa only
visits the rich little well-connected boys and girls?"
"No, they also have to be
white, and preferably Protestant. Now enough chitter-chatter, back to work, or you'll
be cleaning up reindeer crap until the end of the next century. Your call, Jerri."
I turned back to my workbench and sat down on my sore can begrudgingly. I picked
up my hammer and began knocking those damn wheels on to little Timmy's super duper
race car. I hope the brat appreciates it.
"Now that's a good little elf." Once
Colbert was gone, my friend Stacy turned to me.
"That was really cool the way you
stood up to Colbert like that. It was ever so frightful, I thought I was going to
explode with cheese." She said with a big cheery smile across her buttery red face.
"What the hell are you talking about, sister?"
"The way you stood up to Colbert,
he does work us ever so hard."
"Yeah, but what can I do, I'm just a single elf, a
lowly elf without any prospects, any chance for upward mobility. No future. Hey, wait
a second! I just realized. I ain't got nothing to lose!" I picked up my hammer and
aimed it at Colbert, then I thought, I better wait until his back is turned. Tee-hee
"Heavens to Betsy! What are you doing Jerri?"
"What does it look like? I'm
knocking off the top-dog. There's only room enough for one Alpha elf in this
"You can't just kill him."
"Oh, yeah? You calling me chicken?"
this won't solve a thing. And murder is wrong"
"I say, let's find out how wrong it
is..." I threw that damn hammer as hard and as fast as I could.
noooooooooo!" Stacy's plea for sanity may have been lost on my ears but it wasn't
lost on Colbert's. He turned just as the hammer came within a micrometer of splitting
his pointy ears in half.
"You are in so much trouble worker 94539, it's not even
I slumped onto my seat, the look of defeat heavy upon my shoulders. "I
I've never been in elf prison before, but there was a first time
for everything. Even elf prison was cute, I mean cute in that annoying way that gets
under your skin, like when people are way more jolly than they have any right being.
You know those people. The people who are having a much better life than you, and
they're happy about it? The happy people: some may be your friends, some may be your
family, some may be celebrities you've seen on TV or read about in a magazine. Their
car hasn't been impounded, their teeth aren't crooked, their brains aren't
syphilitic, their house wasn't built on top of toxic waste dump or haunted Indian
burial ground, and their love surely wasn't unrequited. You just sit there in front
of your television late at night like a zombie, eating burnt macaroni and cheese and
pork rinds, praying for the animosity that's in your life to seep out into theirs,
but you know that's not going to happen... So, you make up these cynical little
scenarios in your batter fried head, like would Romeo really have loved Juliet, if
when he had first met her, she'd been bald and had cold sores all over her face? I
don't think so... Ah, Tragedy... There is nothing like the thought of it to spice up
a dull holiday season, especially if it's tragedy at someone else's expense. That's
what makes tragedy so funny! Tee-hee-hee.
I looked around at the cell they had put me in. They had thrown Stacy in a cell
nearby, even though I had begged them not to separate us. Sweet sweet Stacy...
Mmmmmm. Prison is going to be rough on her, unless I make her my bitch, and my bitch
fast! I couldn't see Stacy, but I knew she was there. The smell of peppermint was
strong in the air, Stacy always smelled like peppermint. I wonder what she'd look
"What would you look like naked?"
That's a funny question, Jerri. Giggle giggle." She giggled. "Well, I guess I'd look
just like you, silly... another girl elf."
"Somehow, I doubt it..." I moaned.
Jerri, how are you really doing in there? This predicament is ever so frightful. I
wish you were in here with me holding hands and thinking of gum drops and cheese."
"I wish I was there too, sweet thang. Hey, wait a second, these candy cane bars
are nothing more than just plain old candy cane bars, right?"
"Why yes, Jerri, just
like your pillow is made out of marshmallows, and your blankets are made from freshly
spun silk chocolates."
"Just give me a second, and I'll be right over. Then we can
hold hands, or do whatever." I said with a pep to my voice and a throb in my loins.
"Oh, Jerri, please do hurry, this cell is ever so dark and ever so frightful. Why,
it doesn't smell like cheese at all."
I started licking a bar, then a little nibble
here and a little nibble there. It was so sweet, I could hardly contain myself. I was
getting the biggest sugar rush I'd ever had in my life. After a few hours my tongue
was like leather, but I had been able to lick a big enough gap for me to squeeze out
of my cell and over to Stacy. I could hear her snoring. I tried to say her name but
my tongue was limp and stuck. I couldn't even push the dang thing back into my mouth.
I looked at Stacy asleep on her cot, she looked so peaceful lying there. So delicate.
So vulnerable. So sensual... I quickly leaned down and began working on her cell
bars, but I found I had no more saliva to give. Then I heard footsteps and voices
behind me... I hopped back into my cell, which was rather a moot thing too do, since
it was so obvious that I had tried to escape. Damn.
"Jerri! Who the heck gave you
permission to try and escape from prison?" It was Colbert.
I tried to mumble that I
wasn't really trying to escape, I was just trying to get over and see my friend,
Stacy. He didn't get it.
"What? I can't understand a word your saying, Jerri."
Colbert grabbed my tongue, stretching it out about a foot before letting it recoil
with a snap back into my mouth.
"OUCH! What are you trying to do? Kill me?" I
slobbered as I wiped drool from my lips.
"Don't take that tone with me missy,
especially after that stunt you pulled in the workshop today."
"Look, I'm sorry
that I tried to knock your block off, but you work us way too hard. I bet if Santa
really knew how hard you work us, he wouldn't be that pleased with your performance
"Oh, really? Well, that's exactly who I'm taking you to see, Jerri. So feel free
to bring that up to him."
I looked at Colbert stunned for a moment. No elves ever
got to meet Santa. I saw him once from afar, but that was over 86 years ago. "I'm
going to finally get to meet Santa?" I said excitedly.
"That's right Jerri, because
it's Santa who does all the firing of the elves."
"Oh, dear." I said as my smile
jumped to a frown.
"You too worker 8437." Colbert said to Stacy.
"Oh, no, Jerri.
This is ever so horrid. Santa is going to fire us!" Stacy said, now awake.
true, Santa was going to fire us. This wasn't the first incident that I'd been
involved in, and my work performance hadn't exactly been exemplary. My mind started
racing with ideas to get Stacy and I out of this mess: Maybe I could use a
surprisingly amusing and funny anecdote? Once Santa started laughing and his belly
was shaking like jelly, Stacy and I would make a run for it, unless Santa wants a
major coronary, he'd never be able to catch us! Tee-hee-hee.
Wait a sec, maybe
Santa is really an old softy? Yeah. He'll just decide on a jolly whimsy to let us
both off with a simple beating around our shiny little thighs and buttocks... No,
that won't work. Perhaps, Santa is really an understanding sympathetic kind of guy...
Yeah. He must understand what a terrible amount of pressure we elves have been under
these days... It was like our form of road rage, a temporary insanity that just swept
over Stacy and I... Stacy... Wait a minute... Why was I so worried about Stacy
What had she ever done for me? Nothin' that's what. Every elf for himself
was the law of the jungle, and we were in the thick of it now. Don't get me wrong,
Stacy was cute, but she wasn't that cute that I'd take the fall alone. Maybe I could
blame it all on Stacy? Yeah. I could tell Santa that Stacy had planted the hammer in
my hands, that she had hypnotized me with her promises of forbidden elfin love, that
she promised me we would run away together to Rio and open a spa and apple butter
farm. I'm sure Santa would understand.
"Jerri, what the hell are you doing? Santa
is very busy and he only has time for two firings a day."
"I'm ready. Are you
ready, Stacy?" I said most slyly.
"I'm ever so scarred Jerri of what Santa might
do. Shall we hold hands?"
"Hold your own hands, sis."
"Jerri, what's wrong?"
Oh, I'm fine, fine and dandy." I said feeling both fine and dandy, and fiendish too,
but I wasn't going to let Stacy know that last part. Tee-hee-hee...
Colbert led us
down the long hall of the executive-wing of the workshop, right to the double doors
of the big office. Colbert opened the doors, sending me into the shock of my life.
"Jerri!" Santa said with a booming girth to his voice.
"Santa? You're Santa?" I
said both dismayed and dismayed. "But you're--"
"No, that's not it."
"Well, what is it Jerri?"
"Your black." I
said in the stunned silence that my own words created.
"Jerri!" Colbert yelled
walking over to me and grabbing me by the tuft of my own tuft. "If Santa wants you to
know that he's black, he'll tell you when he's black."
"Leave her alone Colbert,
she was bound to figure it out sooner or later. That's right, Jerri, Santa is black.
A strapping, robust African-American to be precise, always was, always will be."
But I thought Santa was just some big fat lazy white dude."
Santa laughed a big
hearty laugh. "No, Jerri. That's only to throw off Santa's competitors, like that
damn Bill Gates." Santa suddenly said with a scowl, "He's trying to monkey his way
into everything. He really wanted that new Seven Of Nine calendar, but I'll be damned
if he gets it this year. That geek is getting coal in his stocking, just like all
those other monopoly playing scalawags at Microsoft."
"I don't understand any of
this." I said, not understanding any of this.
"It doesn't matter, Jerri. The reason
you're here in my office is because it's come to my attention that your Christmas
spirit is for, lack of a less offensive word, lacking."
"You mean, I'm not here
because Stacy made me try to kill Colbert?"
"What? Whatever are you saying, Jerri?
I was the one trying to stop you." Stacy cried, whimpered and bemoaned.
not going to fire us either?" I said, gleefully ignoring Stacy's prattling.
no, Jerri..." Santa said, grinning wide. "I don't fire elves anymore, at least not
since NAFTA made off with a truck load of them a few years back. No, the way we deal
with little elves who get into monkey shines now is by the act of penance."
"Penance, Jerri!" Colbert said with a snap.
"What's that?" I said, not
knowing what that was.
"A voluntary act of contrition for a sin, or other
wrongdoing." Colbert said, looking with a raised eyebrow at Stacy.
Don't even start, sister." Colbert snapped at Stacy.
Santa stepped forward grabbing
Stacy and I both by the hands. "But before that all can take place Jerri, you must
help complete a task for me."
"I knew there would be a catch." I moaned.
and I were both pulled forward by Santa, a mighty snow storm began to gather around
us, which was strange for an office, if you really think about it. Everything began
to quickly blur white around us, and soon I could barely see within an inch of my
Then, suddenly, in a snap quicker than a Time Square hooker's garter belt
coming off, Santa, Stacy and I were standing in front of a house, a suburban house,
decked-out with twinkling Christmas lights and ornaments."What are we doing here,
"This is the Crumb's home, four days before Christmas."
you, Jerri, are going to do exactly what I do."
yourself into the Crumb's home, get to know their son Timmy, read his mind and figure
out what he really really wants for Christmas. Simple, right?"
"Are you serious?" I
groaned. "That sounds really hard."
"It's very difficult Jerri, but that's what
Santa does, if you think you could do it better, I'd certainly like to see it. Now
get in there!"
Santa sprinkled some fairy dust on me, or maybe it was dandruff. At
any rate, the stuff made me float and turn invisible. Santa quickly grabbed me by the
arm, shaking a tiny whiskey flask in front of my face.
"See if you can make a stop
by the Crumb's wet bar while you're in there."
"But I thought you only drink milk
and eat cookies."
"This puppy runs on Super not Unleaded, Jerri. Now get crackin'."
Santa smacked my rear, sending me spinning up towards the Crumb's chimney.
this is ever such the cheese filled adventure! My panties are certainly in a bunch
now." Stacy proudly proclaimed about her panties.
Once inside I was able to steady
myself by grabbing onto the head of a stuffed moose that hung above the Crumb's fire
place, but I still couldn't stop myself from floating. Then I saw Timmy. I followed
him up the stairs and into his bedroom. I began to hear his thoughts, not that
clearly, something like, it needs more Vaseline... Whatever that means.
Timmy as he made his way into his bedroom and back under the covers where he flicked
on a flashlight. I watched him as he picked up these magazines with naked, robust
women inside, and as he began to flip through the pages Timmy began to whisper "I
love you" and began to kiss the photo of the hot little red head on page 27, and
then, he actually started to take the--
THIS NEXT SECTION OF DESCRIPTION HAS BEEN
DELETED FOR OBJECTIONABLE CONTENT BY SANTA HIMSELF, MESSAGE TO JERRI: SEE SANTA IN
HIS OFFICE AT THE END OF THIS STORY AND BRING THOSE DAMN DIRTY MAGAZINES WITH YOU!
So, it was obvious what Timmy really wanted for Christmas: Hot naked well-shaven
women, preferably on motorcycles! Santa's list and pen suddenly appeared in my hands,
I quickly checked off Timmy's name. Well, that wasn't so hard I thought happily to
myself. That's when I heard the scream.
Timmy jumped out of his bed, which probably
wasn't the best thing to do at this point, the last time I saw something that size,
Blitzen was in heat. Timmy quickly wrapped a blanket around himself. I then followed
him as he ran out into the hall where Mr. Crumb had just come out of his own bedroom
"That was your mother!" Mr. Crumb said to Timmy looking worried.
Both men ran
downstairs, I floated through the floor and into the downstairs living room where
Mrs. Crumb was passed-out by the Christmas tree with three buxom centerfold models
standing over her, one of which was straddling a motorcycle and sucking on a candy
cane. Damn, I didn't see the redhead.
"What's going on here?" Asked Mr. Crumb of
the tall blonde in the tight red leather cat suit.
"What would you like to be going
on?" She meowed with an accented crack of her leather whip.
"Uh..." Mr. Crumb
"Dad, who are these girls? What's the one dressed like a nurse doing to
"Don't worry Timmy, she's just taking her temperature."
"But isn't the
thermometer suppose to go in her--"
"Timmy! Help me help your mother up." Mr. Crumb
and Timmy began helping Mrs. Crumb up off the floor.
"What? What happened to me?"
Mrs. Crumb said as she tried to get her bearings. Looking around it became evident.
"Oh, now I remember. Who are you women?"
"We're Timmy's Christmas gift from Santa."
The three hotties said in unison.
"WHAT?" The Crumbs said in disbelief.
here for whatever pleasure Timmy would have us for." Said the biker babe with the
thick German accent. The nurse held out a long contract to Mr. Crumb.
not a lawyer, but this document does seem to indicate that these women are legally
bound to the Crumb family, dear."
"But this is ridiculous, Santa must have made
some sort of mistake." Mrs. Crumb protested.
"Well, until it's all cleared up, may
I suggest we discuss sleeping arrangements." Mr. Crumb diplomatically stated.
These women aren't staying here, Albert." Mrs. Crumb said, shooting a nasty look at
"Well, we can't very well allow them out and roaming the neighborhood
dressed like that, now can we, dear?"
"Well, they're not staying here."
stay in my room." Timmy said trying to help himself.
"NO!" The Crumb parents shot
"Might I suggest the guest room, ladies?" Mr. Crumb said with a smile across
"Albert, they are NOT staying here, unless it is over my dead body." Mrs.
Crumb said with a scowl.
"Don't tempt me, Helen." Mr. Crumb shot back.
you two ever do anything without arguing about it!?" Timmy screamed running upstairs
"Oh, you're such a big man in front of the ladies, well before you try satisfying
three women super stud, why don't you try satisfying one first."
"Maybe I would if
she'd pull her vagina out of the freezer once in awhile."
"You bastard! You know I
have to keep it in there for medical reasons!"
Jerri, I thought happily to myself,
another job well done, another happy family customer for Santa. This wasn't such a
hard job after all, sure there was a little screaming an fighting but soon the Crumb
family would be taking great pleasure in the perverse gift Santa had provided. Maybe
Santa would finally think about giving me a promotion, I thought as I floated out to
where he and Stacy were on the Crumb's front lawn, but, Santa wasn't looking too
"Jerri, is there some sort of injury that you haven't told Santa about,
like a hammer or heavy toy in the workshop landing on your head? Repeatedly?"
not that I can remember. Why?"
"Because you've totally screwed Santa, Jerri."
How? What did I do wrong? I did everything you told me."
"You just don't get it do
That's when the screaming from inside the house turned to gun fire.
"Jerri get back in there and fix things, and take Stacy with you, her
Christmas spirit is so high it's actually making me sick."
Stacy and I flew like
the wind back into the house.. The centerfolds were huddled behind the couch with Mr.
Crumb as he and his wife traded shots back and forth across the living room, their
son Timmy a quivering mess on the stairs.
"You never loved me, Helen!" Mr. Crumb
"You never allowed yourself to be loved, Albert!" Mrs. Crumb cried as she
fired off the family shotgun.
"Oh, no Jerri, we've come too late, Santa will
forever be cross with us!"
"Wait a second, Santa told us this was four days before
Christmas, right? That means we had to go back in time to be here. So, if Santa has
the power to time travel, and I have Santa's powers--"
"Oh, that's a wonderful
idea, Jerri!" Stacy said excitedly giving me a big buttery kiss.
"I lost it..." I
said having lost the idea that would have saved the day and turned the Crumbs back
into a normal lovingly family that's in denial.
"No, you haven't lost it, Jerri.
We'll go back in time and stop you from sending those anorexic centerfold models
here. It is ever such a wonderful idea with cheese on top!"
"Hold on to my ears
Stacy. We're going back in time and stop me from screwing up the Crumb's family
Christmas!" That snowy storm appeared again and as we stepped through we found
ourselves exactly back where we had started, but this time, no one was in the living
room yet, and I could see myself coming from out the chimney. Nice ass, I thought of
myself. I floated over tapping myself on the back.
"Hey, past me." I said to
"Who are you?" I said to myself.
"I'm you from two hours from now." I
said back to myself.
"What? How can that be?" I said confused. I wonder if Bob Dole
or Garth Brooks has inner-dialogue moments like this? Referring to yourself in the
third person can get a little tricky, especially when you really are two people. I
was getting an headache.
"Look, before you go any further you're just going to have
to trust me, past self, what you do here goes terrible wrong. The best thing for you
to do is go back up that chimney right now and forget this whole dang thing."
you sure me?"
"I'm sure." I said, happily patting myself on the rear and sending
myself back up that chimney. Then the snow storm came swirling back around me. Stacy
and I were back in Santa's office again.
"Well-done Jerri. You've saved Santa from
a very expensive lawsuit."
"Oh it was nothing, big guy." I gushed.
learned your lesson, Jerri?"
"Yes, Santa. Yes, I have. Your job is difficult, and
as far as I can tell from my limited perceptions of what actually happens outside the
North Pole, you're doing a bang up job! So, I'm sorry for everything I ever said or
may have wished upon you and your family."
"Why, thank you, Jerri. Now get the hell
out of my office! Santa's got work to do."
"Okay, Santa." I said as Stacy and I
headed for the door.
Once outside, Stacy turned to me, "Oh, Jerri that was ever so
wonderful that Santa let us off the hook."
"You know, Stacy, I learned a valuable
lesson today, that it's not the gift that really counts but the thought of the gift
that counts, and what we really need isn't what we always want, and what we want
isn't always what we really need. Take this flask of whiskey that I lifted off Santa
earlier, we may not want this now, but I know I may need it later."
"Oh Jerri, this
will be a merry cheese-filled Christmas after all, won't it?"
"Yes it will, Stacy,
yes it will..." Smile...