Jerri Blank in "Strangers With Candy Canes"

This is a short story I wrote after finding out about the SWC cancellation. It really sucked because I had just started watching the show. As for the story, it's a parallel reality of the show. Basically, what if Jerri was one of Santa's little helpers? Most of the SWC characters are here, although their names are changed. I'm sure you'll recognize either a voice, description, or attitude. -- Steven Heinig

Santa was a jerk, that's what I thought. Having us poor little elves work year round so lard butt could fly all over the globe for one night soaking up all the glory. It just wasn't fair! What a drag... It wouldn't even be so bad if he at least gave us comfortable stools to sit on while we worked our fingers to the bone. I've still got splinters in my tiny tush from 1983. Oh, this blows. I turned to my fellow comrades in arms around me, and with two words I summed up exactly how I felt, "Santa sucks!" The whole workshop turned to me in stunned silence, you could hear a pin drop, actually you could hear several pins drop since I was by the sewing stations.


I got up and turned, facing our workshop boss, Colbert, Santa's second biggest brown nosing elf in command. He approached me, his eyes dark with fury.

"What in high holy Heaven did you just say worker 94539?"

"I I I I" I stuttered.

"Why have you stopped working? Don't you know we've got a deadline here? UPS is going to be here in like..." Colbert looked as his watch. He was always glancing at that giant candy cane stripped monstrosity that hung from his green vest like a badge, actually it was a gift from Santa himself for being so proficient... brown noser, kiss butt. " two hours to pick up our toys Jerri, and what's poor little Timmy going to say when his super duper race car arrives without its wheels attached? Huh?"

"But but but..."

"But but but." Colbert said mockingly.

"I thought Santa delivers all the toys?"

"He does Jerri, but that's only for the really special boys and girls who book Santa in cash well within a year in advance. It also doesn't hurt to have some sort of political, corporate, or big star connection either, like knowing Chuck Norris or Gwyneth Paltrow."

"So Santa only visits the rich little well-connected boys and girls?"

"No, they also have to be white, and preferably Protestant. Now enough chitter-chatter, back to work, or you'll be cleaning up reindeer crap until the end of the next century. Your call, Jerri."

I turned back to my workbench and sat down on my sore can begrudgingly. I picked up my hammer and began knocking those damn wheels on to little Timmy's super duper race car. I hope the brat appreciates it.

"Now that's a good little elf." Once Colbert was gone, my friend Stacy turned to me.

"That was really cool the way you stood up to Colbert like that. It was ever so frightful, I thought I was going to explode with cheese." She said with a big cheery smile across her buttery red face.

"What the hell are you talking about, sister?"

"The way you stood up to Colbert, he does work us ever so hard."

"Yeah, but what can I do, I'm just a single elf, a lowly elf without any prospects, any chance for upward mobility. No future. Hey, wait a second! I just realized. I ain't got nothing to lose!" I picked up my hammer and aimed it at Colbert, then I thought, I better wait until his back is turned. Tee-hee -hee.

"Heavens to Betsy! What are you doing Jerri?"

"What does it look like? I'm knocking off the top-dog. There's only room enough for one Alpha elf in this workshop."

"You can't just kill him."

"Oh, yeah? You calling me chicken?"

"But this won't solve a thing. And murder is wrong"

"I say, let's find out how wrong it is..." I threw that damn hammer as hard and as fast as I could.

"Jerri, noooooooooo!" Stacy's plea for sanity may have been lost on my ears but it wasn't lost on Colbert's. He turned just as the hammer came within a micrometer of splitting his pointy ears in half.

"You are in so much trouble worker 94539, it's not even funny."

I slumped onto my seat, the look of defeat heavy upon my shoulders. "I wasn't laughing."

I've never been in elf prison before, but there was a first time for everything. Even elf prison was cute, I mean cute in that annoying way that gets under your skin, like when people are way more jolly than they have any right being. You know those people. The people who are having a much better life than you, and they're happy about it? The happy people: some may be your friends, some may be your family, some may be celebrities you've seen on TV or read about in a magazine. Their car hasn't been impounded, their teeth aren't crooked, their brains aren't syphilitic, their house wasn't built on top of toxic waste dump or haunted Indian burial ground, and their love surely wasn't unrequited. You just sit there in front of your television late at night like a zombie, eating burnt macaroni and cheese and pork rinds, praying for the animosity that's in your life to seep out into theirs, but you know that's not going to happen... So, you make up these cynical little scenarios in your batter fried head, like would Romeo really have loved Juliet, if when he had first met her, she'd been bald and had cold sores all over her face? I don't think so... Ah, Tragedy... There is nothing like the thought of it to spice up a dull holiday season, especially if it's tragedy at someone else's expense. That's what makes tragedy so funny! Tee-hee-hee. I looked around at the cell they had put me in. They had thrown Stacy in a cell nearby, even though I had begged them not to separate us. Sweet sweet Stacy... Mmmmmm. Prison is going to be rough on her, unless I make her my bitch, and my bitch fast! I couldn't see Stacy, but I knew she was there. The smell of peppermint was strong in the air, Stacy always smelled like peppermint. I wonder what she'd look like naked?

"Hey, Stacy!"

"Yes, Jerri?"

"What would you look like naked?"

" That's a funny question, Jerri. Giggle giggle." She giggled. "Well, I guess I'd look just like you, silly... another girl elf."

"Somehow, I doubt it..." I moaned.

" Jerri, how are you really doing in there? This predicament is ever so frightful. I wish you were in here with me holding hands and thinking of gum drops and cheese."

"I wish I was there too, sweet thang. Hey, wait a second, these candy cane bars are nothing more than just plain old candy cane bars, right?"

"Why yes, Jerri, just like your pillow is made out of marshmallows, and your blankets are made from freshly spun silk chocolates."

"Just give me a second, and I'll be right over. Then we can hold hands, or do whatever." I said with a pep to my voice and a throb in my loins.

"Oh, Jerri, please do hurry, this cell is ever so dark and ever so frightful. Why, it doesn't smell like cheese at all."

I started licking a bar, then a little nibble here and a little nibble there. It was so sweet, I could hardly contain myself. I was getting the biggest sugar rush I'd ever had in my life. After a few hours my tongue was like leather, but I had been able to lick a big enough gap for me to squeeze out of my cell and over to Stacy. I could hear her snoring. I tried to say her name but my tongue was limp and stuck. I couldn't even push the dang thing back into my mouth. I looked at Stacy asleep on her cot, she looked so peaceful lying there. So delicate. So vulnerable. So sensual... I quickly leaned down and began working on her cell bars, but I found I had no more saliva to give. Then I heard footsteps and voices behind me... I hopped back into my cell, which was rather a moot thing too do, since it was so obvious that I had tried to escape. Damn.

"Jerri! Who the heck gave you permission to try and escape from prison?" It was Colbert.

I tried to mumble that I wasn't really trying to escape, I was just trying to get over and see my friend, Stacy. He didn't get it.

"What? I can't understand a word your saying, Jerri." Colbert grabbed my tongue, stretching it out about a foot before letting it recoil with a snap back into my mouth.

"OUCH! What are you trying to do? Kill me?" I slobbered as I wiped drool from my lips.

"Don't take that tone with me missy, especially after that stunt you pulled in the workshop today."

"Look, I'm sorry that I tried to knock your block off, but you work us way too hard. I bet if Santa really knew how hard you work us, he wouldn't be that pleased with your performance ."

"Oh, really? Well, that's exactly who I'm taking you to see, Jerri. So feel free to bring that up to him."

I looked at Colbert stunned for a moment. No elves ever got to meet Santa. I saw him once from afar, but that was over 86 years ago. "I'm going to finally get to meet Santa?" I said excitedly.

"That's right Jerri, because it's Santa who does all the firing of the elves."

"Oh, dear." I said as my smile jumped to a frown.

"You too worker 8437." Colbert said to Stacy.

"Oh, no, Jerri. This is ever so horrid. Santa is going to fire us!" Stacy said, now awake.

It was true, Santa was going to fire us. This wasn't the first incident that I'd been involved in, and my work performance hadn't exactly been exemplary. My mind started racing with ideas to get Stacy and I out of this mess: Maybe I could use a surprisingly amusing and funny anecdote? Once Santa started laughing and his belly was shaking like jelly, Stacy and I would make a run for it, unless Santa wants a major coronary, he'd never be able to catch us! Tee-hee-hee.

Wait a sec, maybe Santa is really an old softy? Yeah. He'll just decide on a jolly whimsy to let us both off with a simple beating around our shiny little thighs and buttocks... No, that won't work. Perhaps, Santa is really an understanding sympathetic kind of guy... Yeah. He must understand what a terrible amount of pressure we elves have been under these days... It was like our form of road rage, a temporary insanity that just swept over Stacy and I... Stacy... Wait a minute... Why was I so worried about Stacy anyway?

What had she ever done for me? Nothin' that's what. Every elf for himself was the law of the jungle, and we were in the thick of it now. Don't get me wrong, Stacy was cute, but she wasn't that cute that I'd take the fall alone. Maybe I could blame it all on Stacy? Yeah. I could tell Santa that Stacy had planted the hammer in my hands, that she had hypnotized me with her promises of forbidden elfin love, that she promised me we would run away together to Rio and open a spa and apple butter farm. I'm sure Santa would understand.

"Jerri, what the hell are you doing? Santa is very busy and he only has time for two firings a day."

"I'm ready. Are you ready, Stacy?" I said most slyly.

"I'm ever so scarred Jerri of what Santa might do. Shall we hold hands?"

"Hold your own hands, sis."

"Jerri, what's wrong?"

" Oh, I'm fine, fine and dandy." I said feeling both fine and dandy, and fiendish too, but I wasn't going to let Stacy know that last part. Tee-hee-hee...

Colbert led us down the long hall of the executive-wing of the workshop, right to the double doors of the big office. Colbert opened the doors, sending me into the shock of my life.

"Jerri!" Santa said with a booming girth to his voice.

"Santa? You're Santa?" I said both dismayed and dismayed. "But you're--"

"Exquisitely well-groomed?"

"No, you're--"

"Fastidiously well-mannered?"

"No! You're--"

"Purposefully well- proportioned?"

"No, that's not it."

"Well, what is it Jerri?"

"Your black." I said in the stunned silence that my own words created.

"Jerri!" Colbert yelled walking over to me and grabbing me by the tuft of my own tuft. "If Santa wants you to know that he's black, he'll tell you when he's black."

"Leave her alone Colbert, she was bound to figure it out sooner or later. That's right, Jerri, Santa is black. A strapping, robust African-American to be precise, always was, always will be."

" But I thought Santa was just some big fat lazy white dude."

Santa laughed a big hearty laugh. "No, Jerri. That's only to throw off Santa's competitors, like that damn Bill Gates." Santa suddenly said with a scowl, "He's trying to monkey his way into everything. He really wanted that new Seven Of Nine calendar, but I'll be damned if he gets it this year. That geek is getting coal in his stocking, just like all those other monopoly playing scalawags at Microsoft."

"I don't understand any of this." I said, not understanding any of this.

"It doesn't matter, Jerri. The reason you're here in my office is because it's come to my attention that your Christmas spirit is for, lack of a less offensive word, lacking."

"You mean, I'm not here because Stacy made me try to kill Colbert?"

"What? Whatever are you saying, Jerri? I was the one trying to stop you." Stacy cried, whimpered and bemoaned.

"And you're not going to fire us either?" I said, gleefully ignoring Stacy's prattling.

"Why no, Jerri..." Santa said, grinning wide. "I don't fire elves anymore, at least not since NAFTA made off with a truck load of them a few years back. No, the way we deal with little elves who get into monkey shines now is by the act of penance."

" Penis?"

"Penance, Jerri!" Colbert said with a snap.

"What's that?" I said, not knowing what that was.

"A voluntary act of contrition for a sin, or other wrongdoing." Colbert said, looking with a raised eyebrow at Stacy.

"But I--"

" Don't even start, sister." Colbert snapped at Stacy.

Santa stepped forward grabbing Stacy and I both by the hands. "But before that all can take place Jerri, you must help complete a task for me."

"I knew there would be a catch." I moaned.

As Stacy and I were both pulled forward by Santa, a mighty snow storm began to gather around us, which was strange for an office, if you really think about it. Everything began to quickly blur white around us, and soon I could barely see within an inch of my face...

Then, suddenly, in a snap quicker than a Time Square hooker's garter belt coming off, Santa, Stacy and I were standing in front of a house, a suburban house, decked-out with twinkling Christmas lights and ornaments."What are we doing here, Santa?"

"This is the Crumb's home, four days before Christmas."


"And you, Jerri, are going to do exactly what I do."

"Which is?"

"Astral project yourself into the Crumb's home, get to know their son Timmy, read his mind and figure out what he really really wants for Christmas. Simple, right?"

"Are you serious?" I groaned. "That sounds really hard."

"It's very difficult Jerri, but that's what Santa does, if you think you could do it better, I'd certainly like to see it. Now get in there!"

Santa sprinkled some fairy dust on me, or maybe it was dandruff. At any rate, the stuff made me float and turn invisible. Santa quickly grabbed me by the arm, shaking a tiny whiskey flask in front of my face.

"See if you can make a stop by the Crumb's wet bar while you're in there."

"But I thought you only drink milk and eat cookies."

"This puppy runs on Super not Unleaded, Jerri. Now get crackin'." Santa smacked my rear, sending me spinning up towards the Crumb's chimney.

"Oh, this is ever such the cheese filled adventure! My panties are certainly in a bunch now." Stacy proudly proclaimed about her panties.

Once inside I was able to steady myself by grabbing onto the head of a stuffed moose that hung above the Crumb's fire place, but I still couldn't stop myself from floating. Then I saw Timmy. I followed him up the stairs and into his bedroom. I began to hear his thoughts, not that clearly, something like, it needs more Vaseline... Whatever that means.

I followed Timmy as he made his way into his bedroom and back under the covers where he flicked on a flashlight. I watched him as he picked up these magazines with naked, robust women inside, and as he began to flip through the pages Timmy began to whisper "I love you" and began to kiss the photo of the hot little red head on page 27, and then, he actually started to take the--


So, it was obvious what Timmy really wanted for Christmas: Hot naked well-shaven women, preferably on motorcycles! Santa's list and pen suddenly appeared in my hands, I quickly checked off Timmy's name. Well, that wasn't so hard I thought happily to myself. That's when I heard the scream.

Timmy jumped out of his bed, which probably wasn't the best thing to do at this point, the last time I saw something that size, Blitzen was in heat. Timmy quickly wrapped a blanket around himself. I then followed him as he ran out into the hall where Mr. Crumb had just come out of his own bedroom .

"That was your mother!" Mr. Crumb said to Timmy looking worried.

Both men ran downstairs, I floated through the floor and into the downstairs living room where Mrs. Crumb was passed-out by the Christmas tree with three buxom centerfold models standing over her, one of which was straddling a motorcycle and sucking on a candy cane. Damn, I didn't see the redhead.

"What's going on here?" Asked Mr. Crumb of the tall blonde in the tight red leather cat suit.

"What would you like to be going on?" She meowed with an accented crack of her leather whip.

"Uh..." Mr. Crumb uhhhed.

"Dad, who are these girls? What's the one dressed like a nurse doing to mom?"

"Don't worry Timmy, she's just taking her temperature."

"But isn't the thermometer suppose to go in her--"

"Timmy! Help me help your mother up." Mr. Crumb and Timmy began helping Mrs. Crumb up off the floor.

"What? What happened to me?" Mrs. Crumb said as she tried to get her bearings. Looking around it became evident. "Oh, now I remember. Who are you women?"

"We're Timmy's Christmas gift from Santa." The three hotties said in unison.

"WHAT?" The Crumbs said in disbelief.

"We're here for whatever pleasure Timmy would have us for." Said the biker babe with the thick German accent. The nurse held out a long contract to Mr. Crumb.

"Well, I'm not a lawyer, but this document does seem to indicate that these women are legally bound to the Crumb family, dear."

"But this is ridiculous, Santa must have made some sort of mistake." Mrs. Crumb protested.

"Well, until it's all cleared up, may I suggest we discuss sleeping arrangements." Mr. Crumb diplomatically stated.

" These women aren't staying here, Albert." Mrs. Crumb said, shooting a nasty look at her husband.

"Well, we can't very well allow them out and roaming the neighborhood dressed like that, now can we, dear?"

"Well, they're not staying here."

"They can stay in my room." Timmy said trying to help himself.

"NO!" The Crumb parents shot back.

"Might I suggest the guest room, ladies?" Mr. Crumb said with a smile across his face.

"Albert, they are NOT staying here, unless it is over my dead body." Mrs. Crumb said with a scowl.

"Don't tempt me, Helen." Mr. Crumb shot back.

"Why can't you two ever do anything without arguing about it!?" Timmy screamed running upstairs .

"Oh, you're such a big man in front of the ladies, well before you try satisfying three women super stud, why don't you try satisfying one first."

"Maybe I would if she'd pull her vagina out of the freezer once in awhile."

"You bastard! You know I have to keep it in there for medical reasons!"

Jerri, I thought happily to myself, another job well done, another happy family customer for Santa. This wasn't such a hard job after all, sure there was a little screaming an fighting but soon the Crumb family would be taking great pleasure in the perverse gift Santa had provided. Maybe Santa would finally think about giving me a promotion, I thought as I floated out to where he and Stacy were on the Crumb's front lawn, but, Santa wasn't looking too pleased...

"Jerri, is there some sort of injury that you haven't told Santa about, like a hammer or heavy toy in the workshop landing on your head? Repeatedly?"

"No, not that I can remember. Why?"

"Because you've totally screwed Santa, Jerri."

" How? What did I do wrong? I did everything you told me."

"You just don't get it do you, Jerri?"

That's when the screaming from inside the house turned to gun fire. Ooops...

"Jerri get back in there and fix things, and take Stacy with you, her Christmas spirit is so high it's actually making me sick."

Stacy and I flew like the wind back into the house.. The centerfolds were huddled behind the couch with Mr. Crumb as he and his wife traded shots back and forth across the living room, their son Timmy a quivering mess on the stairs.

"You never loved me, Helen!" Mr. Crumb cried.

"You never allowed yourself to be loved, Albert!" Mrs. Crumb cried as she fired off the family shotgun.

"Oh, no Jerri, we've come too late, Santa will forever be cross with us!"

"Wait a second, Santa told us this was four days before Christmas, right? That means we had to go back in time to be here. So, if Santa has the power to time travel, and I have Santa's powers--"

"Oh, that's a wonderful idea, Jerri!" Stacy said excitedly giving me a big buttery kiss.

"I lost it..." I said having lost the idea that would have saved the day and turned the Crumbs back into a normal lovingly family that's in denial.

"No, you haven't lost it, Jerri. We'll go back in time and stop you from sending those anorexic centerfold models here. It is ever such a wonderful idea with cheese on top!"

"Hold on to my ears Stacy. We're going back in time and stop me from screwing up the Crumb's family Christmas!" That snowy storm appeared again and as we stepped through we found ourselves exactly back where we had started, but this time, no one was in the living room yet, and I could see myself coming from out the chimney. Nice ass, I thought of myself. I floated over tapping myself on the back.

"Hey, past me." I said to myself.

"Who are you?" I said to myself.

"I'm you from two hours from now." I said back to myself.

"What? How can that be?" I said confused. I wonder if Bob Dole or Garth Brooks has inner-dialogue moments like this? Referring to yourself in the third person can get a little tricky, especially when you really are two people. I was getting an headache.

"Look, before you go any further you're just going to have to trust me, past self, what you do here goes terrible wrong. The best thing for you to do is go back up that chimney right now and forget this whole dang thing."

"Are you sure me?"

"I'm sure." I said, happily patting myself on the rear and sending myself back up that chimney. Then the snow storm came swirling back around me. Stacy and I were back in Santa's office again.

"Well-done Jerri. You've saved Santa from a very expensive lawsuit."

"Oh it was nothing, big guy." I gushed.

"Have you learned your lesson, Jerri?"

"Yes, Santa. Yes, I have. Your job is difficult, and as far as I can tell from my limited perceptions of what actually happens outside the North Pole, you're doing a bang up job! So, I'm sorry for everything I ever said or may have wished upon you and your family."

"Why, thank you, Jerri. Now get the hell out of my office! Santa's got work to do."

"Okay, Santa." I said as Stacy and I headed for the door.

Once outside, Stacy turned to me, "Oh, Jerri that was ever so wonderful that Santa let us off the hook."

"You know, Stacy, I learned a valuable lesson today, that it's not the gift that really counts but the thought of the gift that counts, and what we really need isn't what we always want, and what we want isn't always what we really need. Take this flask of whiskey that I lifted off Santa earlier, we may not want this now, but I know I may need it later."

"Oh Jerri, this will be a merry cheese-filled Christmas after all, won't it?"

"Yes it will, Stacy, yes it will..." Smile...