Jerri Blank in "You've Got Blank Mail"
by Rob Block

This episode centers around an internet chat site, with Jerri Blank corresponding with her "secret on-line lover". Throughout the episode, virtually every student and teacher of Flatpoint High is mixed into a whirlwind of internet chatting and give in to their secret on-line desires. Using their on-line chat names, no one is sure who the other really is.

Principal Blackman screensavers appear often. And the familiar 'You've Got Mail' messages sound familiarly close to Blackman's voice.

Jerri begins by entering into a chat-site where she spouts random bits of nasty comments under the guise, "Moist1". In doing so, we see responses back and forth between several Flatpoint High students, such as Tammy Littlenut and Jimmy Tickles. This gives Jerri the opportunity the freely poke around and ask question like whether or not 'the carpet matches the drapes'. This is particularly noticed when she asks it of Jimmy Tickles on-line.

Soon, she meets someone who is not offended by her crudeness and Jerri is charmed by this on-line secret love affair. They continue to correspond and learn new "truths" about each other. Such as the fact that Jerri is a "somewhat petite-shaped pin-up who could make a donkey blush by taking a dive into her love-mattress". The correspondence continues.

Noblet and Jellineck, too, have "secret" relationships on-line; they will go to any length to hide their "secret love" from the other. Unbeknownst to them, they are actually corresponding with each other. For on-line they are not just a "happily married husband with children" or a "high school art teacher with a penchant for firing ashtray-shaped pottery". They are a "widely successful rock-star with a strikingly close resemblance to the 70's band, Kansas" and "widely successful artist in the tradition of Warhol, mixed with the aggression of Bob Ross". There are several "close-calls" throughout the episode where each feels the other has discovered their secret. The bitterness grows.

Jerri's on-line lover is pressuring her to meet in person. Jerri goes to Jellineck for advice on what to do next with her on-line relationship. Should she agree to meet? Should she take that risk? What if they meet and her on-line lover doesn't 'snap her bean'? Jellineck, of course, gets misty pining over his own secret on-line affair and gives Jerri the advice to go for it. In doing so, his own ambitions tend to reflect in his advice to Jerri:

Jellineck: If you don't agree to meet with him, Jerri, you'll never ever know if he's the one for me.

Jerri: You mean for me?

Jellineck: That's what I said.

After, Jerri returns to the school computer lab, where Orlando is sitting behind a computer screen. She sets her soda on top of his screen (just above a sign that shows - "No beverages in the lab", with a picture of a student getting electrocuted violently). Jerri reveals to Orlando of her secret love-affair and her secret on-line name, "Moist1". At that moment, we realize Orlando is her real on-line lover. He is stricken with great excitement, but he does not reveal this to Jerri. He, of course, encourages her to meet with her secret lover. She disparages him by suggesting that, "being the chimp-faced savage that he is, he could never know what it must be like to share an on-line love like she has", particularly due to his inability to punch the keyboard with his "banana-grasping stubs he calls fingers". As she walks away, laughing, eye-twitching at her witty remarks, she spills her can of soda onto Orlando's computer and he is electrocuted in the background. She, of course, does not notice.

In taking his own advice, Jellineck encourages his secret on-line buddy to meet in person. Coincidentally, they choose the park where in an earlier episode (Hit and Run), they had met for a picnic. They meet with the aggressive "Hello Geoffrey", "Hello Chuck" that is often exchanged. It is not immediately apparent to either of them that they are actually meeting each other and the awkwardness of them both being there while preparing to meet their "mystery lovers" grows.

In a twist of events, Principal Blackman appears, walking his giant pure-white Alaskan Husky. Surprised, they both assume Blackman is their secret lover and they encourage the other to leave. "Shouldn't you be getting back to your wife, Chuck?" is uttered. The barbs continue between them, neither of them agreeing to leave. Eventually, the three arrive at a candle-lit dinner with Blackman at Jellineck's house. They try to romance Blackman as if the other were not there. Blackman is, of course, completely unaware of the affection and continues to eat, uttering things like "There's nothing like a 'goood' lamb chop".

Jerri returns home and immediately checks her e-mail for a message from her secret lover. Seeing nothing, she becomes sad. Time goes by and as bittersweet music plays, we see Jerri checking her e-mail over and over, but to no avail. We also see Orlando in the hospital, semi-comatose, with bandages covering his face and hands, all indications of being burned badly. He has been rendered unable to return his devoted e-mails to Jerri.

In the final scene, Jerri is at the hospital speaking to Orlando about her lost-love and how it wasn't meant to be, meanwhile feeding him a banana through his bandaged face. You can see he wants to profess his love, but is unable due to the bandages and furious banana-feeding. "There, there, that's a good little monkey", Jerri tells him affectionately.

All in all, her lesson learned "is that sometimes the people who were meant to be together just can't be together. Sometimes, you have to settle for the memories of loves gone by. Oh, how I loved that donkey. Oh, Ramon. MMgghh! Oh, Ramon...."

In the closing sequence, the students and teachers of Flatpoint High groove to a dance beat in the school's computer lab, Blackman screensavers dancing to the rhythm.